


the only time i have felt ok is (with you)

by counter_illumination



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 06:57:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12929931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/counter_illumination/pseuds/counter_illumination
Summary: It felt comforting to be around people who did not knew who he was, did not care who he was. No one knew he was a bastard child tossed away by both his parents and society.All they saw was a high school student in his uniform, perhaps out a little too late at night, waiting for the train to arrive.*Goro-centric, canon divergent for later in the story.





	1. Purple Hyacinths

Akechi Goro was used to being alone.

Ever since he was a child living with his mom in their cramped one bedroom apartment, he had been alone. His mom was always tired, often too tired to say more than a few words to Goro when she came home from work in the early morning.

She was young, probably too young to be a single mom raising a child in a city where she knew no one, but she tried to make the best out of her situation.

\--

Goro never met his dad.

Sometimes Goro would hear his mom’s shoulders shake as she tried to hide her crying with the duvet cover pulled over her head. She always thought he was asleep before she broke down in tears but she never knew that Goro had never slept a single night without hearing her. Two futons in an empty room didn’t leave much privacy and sound travels-- especially when there’s nothing but bare walls surrounding you. Goro loved his mom but sometimes he wished she would take better care of herself.

\--

When Goro was really young he remembered his mom always wearing makeup and pretty dresses. There was never a day where she wasn’t dressed up for one thing or another. She would put on expensive perfume that made smelled like fresh roses and when she would hug Goro who lay blissfully unaware of the situation in his crib, the smell lingered. This was back when they were living in the house his mother grew up in. Goro didn’t remember much of the time he spent there as he was far too young to commit it to memory.

His mother, Kaori, had told her parents that the marriage had been rushed because she was pregnant and that her husband, Shido, was a business man who needed to get back to his company in Tokyo. She had assured them that while the pregnancy had been unplanned, it was okay because Shido had married her and he was going to take full responsibility. Kaori had said Shido was going to need a few months to buy a house and set everything up for their family.

Her mother had been accepting but her father was quick to judge the actions of her “supposedly busy business man” of a husband. In the end, he agreed and so the two of them were able to live in that small town, where Kaori had spent the first 20 years of her life, for about two years.

Towards the end of the second year, Kaori began to plead for another year to stay but her father had asked why it was taking so long for a house to be bought. He could understand taking a year, he could even understand taking two years especially given how busy the man supposedly was, but he could not understand three years without not even once calling to update his wife on the situation.

Frustrated with Kaori’s excuses, her father asked her to call Shido so that he could speak to him about their future living arrangements. When Kaori was unable to reach Shido, given he never once contacted her after she told him she was pregnant, her parents began to question her marriage. Kaori was their only daughter and they wanted her to be married to a wealthy man who would help her raise a family. Kaori knew that her parents would be ashamed that she had given birth to a child outside of marriage, let alone to a politician that threatened her if the truth about his illegitimate child ever came out. She had no choice but to tell her parents the truth.

 --

Later that same day, Goro and his mom left the small town with only a suitcase and a months’ worth of savings. Her parent’s had yelled at her for being a disgrace to the family and disowned her. With nowhere left to go and no family to turn to, she took it upon herself to at least try to give Goro a good life.

Kaori cried the entire train ride to a hotel in the city. She kept telling Goro how she was going to find his father and even though she wasn’t married, Goro still deserved a dad. Looking back on it, Goro didn’t know who she was saying that for. She seemed to be convincing herself more than him.

They stayed in cheap, budget hotels for a week while his mom looked during the day for work and during the night she would look for his father. She couldn’t leave him alone in the hotel and she couldn’t afford a daycare so that week was the most Goro had ever spent with his mother.

Kaori carried him in a sling close to her chest as she went door to door in the shopping district looking for work. Most turned her down because of her lack of experience while some took pity on her but not enough to offer her work. At the end of the week, she was on the last of her savings and desperate for a job.

Venturing into the red lighting district was not something she wanted to do with her toddler strapped to her chest but it was the early afternoon, so she swallowed any fear she had and went forward. The first few bars wouldn’t even let her in the door with a child even though she pleaded with the workers they all turned her away without a second thought.

At the end of the block, near an alleyway, was a host club with a help wanted sign. A host job was something she would have taken had she not had a child but she was at her wits end and all she needed was money for a down payment on an apartment.

She promised herself she would quit after getting enough money for an apartment and get a respectable job. It was bad enough her child was a bastard and his father wanted nothing to do with him.

Maybe if she could land a job as a receptionist at a well-known company her parents would let her back into their lives. Maybe even Shido would acknowledge her again. She didn’t regret having gotten pregnant with a politician’s child but she should have known that a bastard child born outside of wedlock would be as good as dead to him.

She looked down at Goro who was fast asleep against her chest with his thumb near his mouth. She felt an overwhelming amount of sorrow looking at him. He didn’t deserve her; he didn’t deserve the life that she could barely even provide for him. Taking a deep breath she went inside the host club. Instantly the scent of cheap alcohol and heavy cologne hit her.

There weren’t many people in there considering it was the early afternoon, so she made her way to the bar where there was a bored bartender with bleached hair and an eyebrow piercing. “Excuse me, I’m looking for the manager”, she spoke but her voice shook as she tried to make herself seem like she wasn’t at her last resort.

The bartender looked up at her and smirked. “What’s a pretty lady like ya need the manager for? Come ‘ere and have a drink, on the house.” He replied and his eyes wandered to her chest where instead of a low cut shirt he was greeted with a sleeping baby.

“Oy, what’s a kid doing ‘ere? Ya know we don’t allow ‘em.”

She was getting flustered now that he had spotted Goro but she pressed on and said, “I apologize but I would like to speak to the manager about the host opening, if he’s in the building today that is. If not, I can come back later.”

“Oh ya looking for the boss huh? Yeah, he’s in alright,” the bartender pointed to the closed room in the other side of the club, “In the back right now probably balls deep in some slut or something. I can check for ya if ya want but I’m not making any promises, got it?”

She nodded and clutched Goro. “Thank you,” she stated as calmly as she could manage.

The bartender walked around the bar to where she was standing and leaned in. She could smell the obvious alcohol and cigarettes that lingered on his wrinkled dress shirt.

“S’pose we get along if ya get the job, I think the boss will like ya, ya got a nice body but the kid might be a bit of a problem. Jus’ don’t let the boss notice and all. I’ll put in a good word for ya, in case he does.”

He smacked her ass and laughed as he headed towards the back room. She looked down at Goro who was still asleep and remembered why she was here. She wanted to leave but most of all her frustration had started to turn into resentment towards Goro.

She had been dumped by her lover for getting pregnant, thrown out of her home by her parents, and now she had to endure sexual harassment just to put food on the table. It wasn’t his fault but everything was a direct result of him being born. He didn’t do anything but she lost everything because of his sheer existence.

If it weren’t for him, she could have still been with Shido. She could have gone back to school and made her parents proud. She could have even had a decent and respectable career. She felt frozen in her spot at the edge of the bar. She knew she could walk out right now and go somewhere else, anywhere else, but her funds could last her maybe a few more days if she cut down on how much she ate and she was already at one meal a day.

A few moments later, the bartender emerged from the back and said, “Boss is ready to see ya. Don’t worry, I warmed him up for ya.”

Kaori thanked the bartender and her grip on Goro increased as she walked into the office. It was the size of a closet, if she was being generous, with only a desk filled with scattered papers and a single chair that had the cushion ripped open revealing the mismatched stuffing.

“Sorry to intrude, my name is Akechi Kaori, and I came here because I saw a sign outside that said this place was hiring hosts.”

The manager, or boss as the bartender called him, looked up at her from the report he was haphazardly filling out and without missing a beat said, “How old are you, sweetie?”

The man was much older than her and she instantly felt uncomfortable bringing her child into the room with her. Like the bartender, the boss also wore a button down but the top three buttons were undone to reveal a gold chain. His sleeves were rolled up and she could see his arms were heavily tattooed. To say that he had some involvement with the yakuza was probably accurate.

“I’m twenty-three.”

“Twenty three and already with a kid? Talk about moving too fast. Who’s the lucky fella?”

Kaori felt embarrassed that he was asking her this, as if his intent was to get out every humiliating detail out of her. She was at a host club in the afternoon with a child; clearly, the father was not a prominent figure in her life.

“He’s well...-“

“Not in the picture, huh? I get it, don’t worry. I’ve seen my fair share of young ladies like you here with newborns before, that shit don’t faze me anymore. Tell ya what, since I’m feeling pretty generous I’ll give you the name of an institution here in Shinjuku. They take in kids all the time,” the man pointed to Goro and continued, “drop him off and he’ll be out of your life for good.”

Kaori felt panicked at the thought of giving up Goro to an institution. It had never crossed her mind but in the split second after the man had suggested it, she had thought about it as a viable option. She felt like a horrible mother for even considering what the man had said and was overcome with guilt. Goro deserved a mother who loved him and didn’t think about giving him up to a child care institution.

In short, Goro deserved a mother who was anyone but her.

However, Kaori knew she couldn’t wallow in self-pity while the man was eyeing her up and down while smirking.

“I’m sorry but I will have to refuse. I came here to apply to be a host, not to give my child up to an institution. If you have no intention of hiring me, then I will take my leave.”

“Must have struck another nerve, huh? I’m on a roll today with figuring ya out. I get it though, if I had a kid I’d rather be dirt poor, living on the streets with them then give them up to some bastards who don’t even bother learning their name. Anyway, you’re  
hired as long as you show up on time, got it? Just ‘cause ya got a kid don’t mean you can be showing up late and shit. I got a club to run, understand? And no bitchin’ about the hours, it’s take it or leave it. You can start tonight, jus’ leave the kid at home, got it?”

She bowed so deep that Goro almost slipped out of her sling, but she caught him in time. She could not thank the boss enough for hiring her and for the first time in a long time she genuinely felt as though things were going to be ok.

\--

After less than a month of working as a host, Kaori managed to save up enough money to rent a one bedroom apartment near her work. Since Kaori worked nights, she didn’t need to pay for childcare which saved her a considerable amount of money. Even though Kaori wasn’t really looking after Goro as much as she was attempting to get in as much sleep before her shift, she prided herself on at least being home enough to watch her child grow up. The first few months were tough to get used to, but gradually Kaori stopped sleeping the entire day and was able to wake up a few hours before her shift to spend time with Goro.

It wasn’t a perfect arrangement but Goro felt close to his mom.

 --

It had been four years and Goro was now six years old and about to start school. They were still living in the same small apartment but Kaori had been promoted at work and was able to afford sending Goro to school. At nights when Kaori would come home late with the scent of musky cologne clouding her usual fresh rose scent and her cheap dress ripped in several places, she would crawl into the futon next to Goro and sob.

It was usually around four or five in the morning and, by all accounts necessary Goro should be sleeping because he had school in the morning, he couldn’t bear to see his mom curled up in a ball sobbing. Sometimes Goro would crawl into her futon and hug her but she would flinch at his touch which made him feel guilty for even touching her. Other nights he would pretend to be asleep as her shallow sobs filled the entire bedroom.

Eventually his mother stopped crying when she came home disheveled.

Eventually Goro stopped wondering why.

\--

One night Kaori came home and instead of going to sleep right away, she walked over to where Goro was sleeping and kissed his forehead. She brushed away a few hairs from his forehead and kissed him again.

“I know you’re awake Goro, it’s ok I’m going to stay with you for a little while until you fall asleep again. I’m not going anywhere,” she whispered to him.

Goro opened his eyes to see his mother looking down at him with a pained expression. Her eyes were filled with the kind of pain that he could only imagine attributed to all of her nights spent crying. She looked beautiful, even in the dim illumination of the neon lights from the stores across the street from their apartment. The lights danced around her face, brightening certain parts and concealing others.

She kissed him a third time and said, “I want you to know that I’ll always love you.”

He hadn’t heard his mom tell him that she loved him in so long that he was on the verge of tears. He knew she loved him but with their schedules not lining up and her not being available most of the day, there was never an opportunity for casual affection. No one was home when he came home from school. No one made him breakfast or tucked him into bed. He didn’t ever once blame her because he knew she had it hard, but sometimes he would get jealous of his classmates whose parents would drop them off at  
school and pick them up at the end of the day.

“I love you too, mama. You should go to sleep though… it’s been a long night,” Goro responded.

His mom wiped away a few tears from her eyes and said, “I know that sweetie. I promise I will go to bed. Let me just stay with you until you fall asleep ok?”

Goro shifted in his futon. He couldn’t believe the affection that his mother was showing him and he wanted to make it last. He certainly did not want to fall asleep when she was being so kind to him.

“C-can you read me a bedtime story, please? I know I’m almost seven but I miss it when you used to read to me…” Goro asked. His could see the silhouette of his mother nod and she went and picked up one of his favorite books, Robin Hood.

“I’ll read you this and after I’m done you have to go to bed, ok? You don’t want to be tired in the morning.”

“Ok mama.”

Kaori read Goro’s favorite chapter of Robin Hood until she was certain he had fallen back to sleep. She kissed him one last time and shut the door behind her.

\--

Goro had woken up on time for school as usual. Last night felt like a dream to him, he couldn’t believe his mother read him his favorite book and his favorite chapter! He was so happy that all he wanted to do was wake up his mom just to thank her for again for it. He got out of his futon and noticed that his mom wasn’t in hers. It was odd that she wasn’t asleep but nothing to warrant any concern. Goro knew his mom probably woke up to go to the bathroom but he couldn’t help but feel excited at the idea that maybe she woke up early to make him breakfast. He would check the kitchen first and if she was awake he would go up to her and hug her to show his gratitude.

He quietly left his room to not alert her that he had woken up; he wanted it to be a surprise after all.

As he walked to the kitchen he noticed the bathroom was empty which made him even more confident that when he would turn the corner, he would see his mom making him breakfast in the kitchen. He hoped she would make him pancakes but he already felt spoiled for having her read him his favorite book the night before.

When he turned the corner, he saw that no one was in the kitchen. No one was in his room, no one was in the bathroom, and no one was in the kitchen. Had last night really been a dream? Did his mom not come home yet? He felt disappointed but just as a precaution he walked to the living room to see if maybe his mom was asleep on the couch. Sometimes she didn’t have the energy to crawl into the futon besides him. As Goro expected, he found her sprawled out on the couch with her eyes closed and one of her arms was hanging off the side. He sighed and walked over to her to wake her up.

“Mama, wake up.”

She didn’t answer.

“Mama, it’s already morning, I’m going to be late for school, please wake up.”

Once again, she didn’t answer.

“Mama, come on this isn’t funny, please wake up!” He grabbed her arm to shake her when he felt how cold it was and he instantly let go. Goro had tears streaming down his face. He climbed on top of his mother’s lifeless body and pressed his ear against her  
chest. He didn’t hear a heartbeat.

For the first time in his life, Goro broke down and cried. He cried and cried until the neighbors couldn’t take it anymore and started banging on the door of his apartment.

He didn’t stop crying even when the landlord forced his way in to see him collapsed on top of his mother, holding onto her as if she was going to wake up if he just screamed hard enough.

\--

His mother died from overdosing on sleeping pills. That’s what the workers at the childcare institution tell him. Goro nods. The workers tell him he has to stay here because his grandparents don’t recognize him as family and that they don’t know who his father is. Goro knows his father’s name from all the times he would hear his mother break down at night. Goro doesn’t tell the workers that. The workers tell him that once he’s sixteen he’s free to leave if he gets a job. Goro nods. They leave Goro alone thinking that he needs time to process this and cry.

 

Goro doesn’t cry.


	2. Marigolds

Spending your seventh birthday in a child care institution was not something Goro had originally foreseen.

Sure, he didn’t expect a party like most children his age did, but the one thing he did always look forward to was being with his mom the entire day. Her job didn’t offer her the luxury of a vacation or paid leave so taking time off was a rare occurrence.

Goro had nothing to look forward to this year.

Because he was new in the institution, the workers there didn’t bother to learn his name let alone his birthday. Most children would be moved around between different institutions until they were finally of legal age to leave. Overcrowding and underfunding made up the majority of the reason why no one child was able to have any sense of stability.

The staff in the facility only cared about when their shift was over so that they could go home to their families and not have to deal with children even a second past the end of their shift. It was a mechanical process. No one liked working there and they made sure the children felt it. After all, the staff and the children under their care were technically strangers. Who would want to spend their entire day with unwanted children?

 --

Goro had not seen a single year without being moved to some new facility at least once. He had been dragged around all over the neighboring districts and because of that he never stayed in the same school for long. Every year he would be forced to leave the few friends he had at school to start over again in a new one. It was a common occurrence, especially given that foster care wasn’t really a prominent thing.

Goro lived all over Tokyo and even at one point, lived in a small town. He liked the small town because the locals were friendly to him even though he was an orphan.

It was in the small town where he got interested in being a detective. Someone who lived in the town had been dubbed “The Detective Prince” by the locals. Goro never met the supposed detective prince despite the town being relatively small but he would hear stories from the gossiping housewives about how the detective prince was even better than the local police department. Whoever the detective prince was, he seemed to be respected in the town.

Goro wanted to be respected. He wanted had tried to research the statistics about orphaned children in Japan but there was insufficient data. Apparently the institutions didn’t even bother to keep records of the graduation rates of the children let alone what careers they would go on to pursue. The only thing he managed to find was how hard it was for them to go on to live normal lives. He was lucky he had felt some form of affection from his mother before having to go live in a child care institution. He had found out through his research that these institutions accepted children as young as infants. He couldn’t imagine not having his mother for his younger, more formative years. Goro considered himself lucky.

 --

By the time Goro turned 15, he was back in at an institution in Tokyo. He only had one more year before he could legally leave if he got a job somewhere. All he had to do was keep his grades up and then at the end of the year he would apply to work at the local police station.

Even if it meant doing paperwork and running errands all day, at least it was a way into the field.

\--

It was a few weeks before the school year would have their summer break when Goro had a dream that wasn’t the regular nightmare of his. In the dream, he was a prisoner chained to the cell wall inside of a glowing blue room. Beyond the cell sat an old man at a large table with two almost identical girls guarding him on either side.

“Ah, it seems you have woken up. Welcome to the Velvet Room. This room exists between mind and reality. Only those who form a contract can enter,” the man at the desk explained. He was staring directly at Goro, his eyes never once breaking contact.

“W-what is all of this?” Goro asked. He tried to move closer to the bars of the cell but the chain around his ankle prevented him from doing so.

“Shut up, inmate! Who said you could speak?!” One of the girls yelled. He wasn’t sure what was going and to be yelled at right from the start was less than comforting.

“Akechi Goro, you have chosen to forge a contract. As it stands, you were selected to be a Wild Card. Congratulations.”

“The Wild Card? What does that mean? Where am I?” He asked again but this time instead of yelling at him to shut up, one of the girls appeared inside his cell and whipped her riding crop against his face.

“Only speak when spoken to, prisoner. Do you understand?” She looked down in disgust at where he had fallen over and stepped on his back with her boot.

“Master, I apologize for how rude this inmate is. Please continue.”

“Very well. Thank you Caroline. As the Wild Card you have the ability to use and wield various personas in the metaverse. When you enter the metaverse, you may call upon whichever persona you have and use their powers. That is all for now.” The man laughed when he was finished and called over the other girl to hand her something. In a split second, the second girl was in the cell with him and shoving a clipboard and pen into his hand.

“If you understand, sign here please.” The second girl seemed a lot calmer than the first girl, who still had her foot firmly placed on top of Goro’s back.

“I-I can’t if you’re stepping on me-“

“Are you deaf, inmate? She said sign the contract.” Caroline shouted. The other girl gave her a look and Caroline sighed and removed her foot. Goro slowly stood up, using the wall to support himself because he was certain his legs were going to give out at any second. Caroline grabbed the clipboard and shoved it into Goro’s chest and said, “Sign here. Now.”

Goro couldn’t make out what the paper even said given how he was seconds away from falling over. He glanced over it, decided that whatever happening to him was probably a dream anyway, and signed the paper.

Seconds later he woke up in his bed in the institution with a pounding headache and a strange feeling that what had happened might not have been entirely a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw ao3 hates me and notes keep messing up.  
> rip in peace  
> \--
> 
> This is still technically the prologue. I'll update the tags to better reflect the main story once I write it _(:3」∠)_. This fic is going to be a long ride. By the way, I did some research on foster homes in Japan and it isn't common at all. It's more common for children to be placed in institutions than with a foster family. In the English version, Goro says he was placed in different foster care homes but that's a mistranslation. In the Japanese version, he says he went from place to place and going by how the foster care system in Japan is, he was most likely put in different child care institutions.
> 
> The chapter titles have to do with flower language; it's not important to the story at all I just thought it would look cool. 
> 
> Anyone catch who the detective prince was? :) I'm too much of a Persona 4 fan to ever pass up an opportunity to include it.


	3. King Protea

A few weeks had passed since Goro had the strange dream.

He had no idea if he was finally losing his mind because the more he thought about it, the more real it felt. Of course, he reasoned, there was no logical explanation for why it would be real. It wasn’t completely out of the ordinary for Goro to have dreams that left him wondering whether or not he was still alive. He would wake up panting, clutching the sides of his blanket. He would stare into the darkness that encompassed the shared bedroom and focus on his breathing to calm down. The others were asleep and Goro wasn’t about to start crying and wake them up. Goro refused to cry, even after a bad dream and especially when he was surrounded by sleeping children who probably had it worse than him.

As far as Goro was concerned, he at least had a plan on what he was going to do once he got out of the institution. Most of the people here didn’t know how to function on their own and they most certainly didn’t have the same aspirations as he did. They didn’t care about being liked or respected, most of them just wanted to be loved by their nonexistent parents. Comparing them to Goro was like comparing a one-sided die to an icosahedron. What Goro wanted above all was revenge and for that he needed to somehow get close to Shido.

\--

The following day was a Sunday and Goro had about a week left before summer break started. He could get a part time job and save up money or he could spend his summer studying since he really needed to get his grades up to be allowed to work as a student in the police force. Goro wasn’t sure of what he would do exactly so he decided he would go into the shopping district and if he found any help wanted signs, he would apply. If he didn’t get hired he wouldn’t be bothered by it but if he did get hired, then at least he would have some sort of personal savings.

The institution he lived at provided only the basics and while Goro was thankful for being able to live there rent-free, it kind of sucked not having a phone. He basically lived at the library because that was the only place where he had internet access. It worked in his favor though as everyone interpreted him always being at the library as him being serious about his studies when in reality he had no other option.

Going down the shopping district in Tokyo was not something Goro did often. First, he didn’t really have any money so going there was pointless and second, he couldn’t stand seeing all the couples and families. To say that he was jealous was an understatement. Goro was beyond the point of jealousy. All he could think about was revenge; it was a constant thought in his mind that never went away. However, it wasn’t enough just to ruin Shido’s life or even to kill him. He wanted Shido to suffer just as much as he had to suffer growing up and never knowing what it was like to have someone that loved you unconditionally. He knew his mother had loved him but he also knew that he was the reason she drove herself to suicide. In the end, she couldn’t stand being shunned by her family for having an illegitimate child.

In a sense, Goro took away his own mother’s happiness by being born. He hated Shido for everything that he did to his mother but above all he hated Shido for bringing an unwanted child into this world. The amount of guilt that Goro harbored for getting to live instead of his mother kept him up at night. Sleeping was another way of his brain forcing him to relive finding his mother dead on the couch from an overdose. Sometimes in his dreams he would take the entire bottle of pills and lay down next to her body waiting for death to take him. Sometimes in his dreams he would wake up before his mother took the pills and try to stop her only to have her scream at him about how much he ruined her life. The worst dreams were the ones in which his mother was still alive but instead of being the tired but kind woman he remembered, she was replaced by someone who spouted countless insults towards Goro. He hated those dreams because when he would wake up, he had a hard time convincing himself that it was all a dream.

The trip to the shopping district had been rather uneventful due to Goro being unable to find a single help wanted sign in the area. Perhaps he should check online but today was Sunday so the school library was probably closed. Sighing, Goro started to head back when he noticed a white cat following him. As he waited for the light to change on the intersection, the white cat began to rub against his legs and purr. Goro bent down to pet the cat who then proceeded to sniff his hand and lick it.

“What are you doing here, kitty?” Goro asked the cat while scratching behind the cat’s ears. The cat’s eyes were a distinct shade of gold and the cat almost appeared fake. Almost.

“Meow.”

Goro looked at the cat who seemed to be trying hard to communicate with him. He probably wants food, Goro thought.

“Sorry kitty, I don’t have any food on me.”

“Meow.” The cat started to walk away from the intersection and into a back alleyway.

“Meow. Meow.” The cat stopped halfway into the alley and made eye contact with Goro. It appeared to be trying to get Goro to come over there and for some reason, Goro’s feet moved on their own towards the alley. The cat looked satisfied when it saw that Goro was following him. Turning the corner, the cat started meowing again to signify to Goro to keep walking.

Goro had walked for about ten minutes blindly following a cat that seemed to want to lead him somewhere. Goro started to think about his lack of self preservation. He was following stray cats down back alleyways but then again, when did Goro ever say he liked himself?

Finally, the cat stopped and turned back to Goro and meowed again. Goro took in his surroundings and saw that he was in the red light district. He remembered this particular place because his old apartment that he shared with his mother was not that far away from here.

Suddenly the scenery started to change and his vision was getting distorted. The cat looked like he was smiling at Goro but that was ridiculous because cats can’t smile. He felt dizzy and tried to looked around to see where he was. Instead of the seeing various bars and clubs filling the red light district, all he saw was a large shrine in its place. It was as if he had stepped into some alternate reality. The cat meowed again. Goro bent down and took a deep breath. He was really going to continue talking to a cat.

How did he end up getting to this point?

 

“Kitty…Do you know where we are right now?”

“Meow.” The cat sounded as if he was saying, “no idea.”

“Ok, uh, so how do we leave this place?”

“Meow.” The cat looked at Goro with a blank expression.

“Guess it’s just you and me then, kitty.”

Goro reached out to pet the cat but the cat decided he had had enough of him and ran past Goro.

“Hey! Wait! Where are you going?!” Goro shouted. He was glad no one else was around to see asking a cat serious questions. He couldn’t see where the cat had run off too because of the heavy fog that surrounded the area.

It was hard to see anything especially since the fog for concentrated close to the ground.

Goro started to question his sanity again; there was no way the entire red light district could mysteriously vanish and be replaced by what appeared to be a multi-floor shrine (did they even make shrines that large?). The shrine towered over Goro and he noticed there were what appeared to be stairs leading up to it in the distance. Maybe there would be people inside the shrine that could tell him what was going on. Or maybe this was just a dream and he would wake up any minute in his bed. Goro hoped that this was just a dream but once again he had that sinking feeling in his gut that told him it probably wasn’t.

The closer Goro got to the shrine, the more light-headed he became. He felt a pounding headache coming on and he was starting to wonder if had anything to do with the shrine itself. As Goro was approaching the top of the stairs, he saw something that resembled gargoyles. When he got to the top, he walked over to where they were and upon closer inspection the gargoyles were actually statues of women with their kimonos open and chains over their body. That was certainly something Goro didn’t expect to see. Since when did Shinto shrines have statues in front of them, much less of that nature? Going up to one of them, he noticed the chains wrapped around the entire length of the woman’s body. She was on her knees leaning forward with her kimono undone and slightly off her shoulders. The chains were placed strategically to censor her half naked body.

Goro turned his attention back to the shrine. He stood in front of the door where he noticed two large ornate doorknockers in the middle of the pair of doors. He debated knocking or not but figured he didn’t want to be rude so he grabbed the doorknocker but realized that it wouldn’t budge. Both of the doorknockers were lodged in place and wouldn’t move regardless of how much force Goro used.

“Excuse me, is there anyone inside?” Goro asked.

He waited a few moments but there was no reply. He pressed his ear against the door and listened to see if he could hear anybody on the other side. He managed to pick up on some faint chatter on the other side. In fact, it sounded like there were a lot of people inside but for some reason they wouldn’t acknowledge him. He reached his hand down to grab the doorknob and to his surprise, the door wasn’t locked.

“Pardon the intrusion…” Goro said and he let himself inside.

The first thing that hit Goro was that the statues outside weren’t some weird fetish art piece, it was a direct reflection of the state of the shrine. There had to be at least twenty women chained to the wall. All of them had a dazed expression as if they were staring into nothing.

They looked broken. None of them seem to even notice that he was there. There were men surrounding the chained women, appearing to make small talk with them. They had drinks in their hand and were occasionally making the women drink from the glass. Goro noticed that the men were dressed nicely; most of them were wearing clean suits and expensive watches. It made Goro sick when he realized that they were taking advantage of the chained women, probably holding money over their heads to get them to do whatever they wanted. It was a scene that reminded him instantly of his mother and the disgust turned to anger. What right did those men have treating those women that way? Goro walked over to one of the men who was dangling a wad of cash over one of the women and tapped on his shoulder.

“Excuse me sir,” he began but the man didn’t even do as much as flinch. Goro was used to being ignored, especially by adults, but this was ridiculous. He was speaking directly to the suited man and the man didn’t acknowledge his existence. The man didn’t even dignify him with a response be it positive or negative.

“Sir, can I please speak to you for a moment?” Goro tried again, this time subtle anger laced his voice. Once again the man kept his back turned to Goro, too engrossed with dangling the money back and forth above the chained woman’s head.

Goro grabbed the man’s arm more forcefully this time and turned him around so that the man was facing him. The man wore the same blank expression as the chained women; he looked dazed and as if he wasn’t looking at anything in particular. Immediately Goro dropped the hold he had on the man’s arm and slowly backed away. The suited man turned back around towards the woman and continued on like nothing had happened.

This unsettled Goro more than he expected. Every person in the shrine was just repeating the same motions unbothered completely by Goro’s presence. Or rather, they didn’t register his presence at all. Unable to stand the scene before him any longer, Goro continued on down the long main hallway until he reached the main room started.

There was a statute of an old man the size of two stories in the center. The statue was made out of gold and adorned with gemstones. It was a clear symbol of wealth which was abnormal in a place of worship. Goro didn’t visit shrines often but he was sure that they didn’t look like this. To his right was a staircase that Goro presumed led to further floors up the shrine. Every step Goro took up the stairs he felt his headache grow stronger. He had forgotten about how dizzy he felt due to the earlier confrontation with the man, but now that it was over Goro began to feel the effects of his headache again.

The second floor stretched out in front of Goro and he couldn’t make heads or tails of it. There were doors that covered the walls of the hallways completely and he wasn’t sure if they led to rooms or to more hallways. There was something very off about the second floor and it didn’t hit Goro until he literally hit into it by accident. The hallways had what looked like monsters, Goro wasn’t completely sure what they were, wandering down the hallways. The monster-thing-maybe-creature growled at Goro who was knocked to the ground laying on his back.

It was a good thing that Goro kept relatively in shape because the second that thing opened his mouth to growl, Goro was on his feet running towards the first door he could find. He slammed the door shut and slid to the floor panting. He sat still just breathing in and out as he tried to listen to see if that thing had followed him. After a few moments he decided that whatever that thing was probably hadn’t followed him into the room. He was safe inside the room. A safe room of sorts he concluded and glanced around to see his surroundings.

There was a single table and chair where he sat at and put his head in his hands. He sighed and wished this nightmare would end already so that he could wake up in his bed. He remembered that he could technically check if he was in a dream because dream logic wasn’t like real logic. He took out his wallet and dropped it on the floor. It fell straight down without faulting. Ok so gravity still existed in his dream apparently. Next, he pinched himself. It hurt which then made him conclude that pain existed in his dream. Goro then tried to find a mirror to see his reflection, but he was unable to find one. He did, however, find a bottle of water which he poured out a bit on the table to form a small puddle. He looked at the puddle and saw his reflection was clear and not distorted. Goro concluded that this was either the most realistic dream anyone has ever had or that it wasn’t a dream at all. The sinking feeling in his gut came back and Goro started to panic.

So if this wasn’t a dream then what was this exactly? It couldn’t be reality either, Goro had concluded that much. Well, at least not the reality he was used to. Maybe this was an alternative reality of some sorts. He suddenly regretted not researching those theories and writing them off as ridiculous. If he had bothered looking them up then perhaps right now he would have been in a better situation since he would actually have a point of reference. Hindsight was twenty-twenty, Goro thought.

Now all he had to do was figure out how he was going to get out of the room without being noticed by those monster-creature-things. Goro pressed his ear against the door and waited until the footsteps outside seemed distant. Then he slowly opened the door and ran to a concealed corner. There were smaller statues of the large gold statue from downstairs which Goro figured could be used to hide behind if need be. After observing the monster-creature-things for a few minutes he realized they all walked in a pattern and as long as he memorized the pattern he could run to the next part of the hallway without them noticing him. It took Goro a while but finally he was able to reach the staircase without being detected again. Goro began to wonder how large this place was because while it looked multi-storied from the outside, the inside seemed to be a lot bigger than he had thought.

It became a game to Goro to get through the floor as quick as he could. He wasn’t sure what was waiting for him at the top but he was assumed it had to be the supposed owner of this shrine. If Goro had to guess, it was probably the guy depicted by the statues. It took him an hour and a half to go through another seven floors without accidentally running into any monster-creature-things. Finally, when he reached the eleventh floor he noticed that it was just a single hallway with a room at the end.

There were no more monster-creature-things in sight and Goro allowed himself to catch his breath.

He walked up to the door ready to open it but unready to face whatever was on the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the first half of this instead of studying for an exam. Second half was written in a club room while a D&D campaign was going on. 
> 
> Next chapter should hopefully be longer and more exciting. I didn't realize that I would still be fleshing out Goro's backstory this much but I guess sometimes that's just how it is. _(:3」∠)_
> 
> Thanks for reading and please look forward to future updates! There will be more tags getting added soon so keep an eye out for that too.


	4. Orange Lilies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to the nice person I met who encouraged me to keep writing this fic.

“Pardon the intrusion,” Goro called out. He wasn’t sure why he was being polite when in fact he had every reason to be angry. He almost died getting to the top floor yet he still felt the need to be courteous. The door had opened to reveal a large room that resembled an office. The rest of the shrine was a weird mix of traditional elements and grandeur displays of worship. Humble was probably the last thing Goro would describe the shrine as which made it even more unusual to see the last floor was an office. There was a desk covered in papers on the far end of the room and surrounding the walls were even more stacks of paper.

As far as Goro could tell, he was alone in the room. That was a very good thing because the last thing he wanted to do was be face-to-face with another monster-creature-thing. Maybe this was another one of those “safe rooms” where he couldn’t be detected? It looked a bit different from the other ones. Goro walked over to one of the stacks of papers to see if it would give him any clues as to what this place was.

When he looked at what was written on the flier, he felt like throwing up. In sparkling letters across the top read, “ _ **Welcome to Matsuki’s Love Shrine!**_ ”. There was a picture of five naked women that had collars with chains around their necks draped across an older man, most likely Matsuki. Goro recognized him as the man from the statues scattered across the shrine. On the bottom there was a description that read:

 

_Guests from any background can enjoy our lovely selection of beautiful and obedient women! Come prepared with cash because our lovely women have gone through all sorts of training to become the perfect sex-loving slaves! Please enjoy our wide range of women that are sure to meet your specific needs. Nothing is off limits at Matsuki’s Love Shrine!_

 

“’Please enjoy our wide range of women’, they’re people not food! What kind of a person would write that?” Goro spat. He crumpled up the flier and threw it across the room.

Whoever this Matsuki guy was, he was going to have to talk to him about how he treats his workers here. Just because they were employed by him didn’t mean he could take advantage of them like that. It was clear that they were working for him because they needed the money which made Goro livid as it reminded him of his mother. Too many nights she would come home with her clothes torn and her eyes puffy from crying. What Matsuki was doing wasn’t right and just as Goro was about to continue looking around the office, he felt someone come up behind him.

 

“Didn’t anyone ever tell ya not to go snoopin’ around in people’s stuff, ya brat?” In a split second, Goro was on the floor from having been struck on the head with some blunt object. Goro stabilized himself and turned around to see Matsuki looking down at him holding a briefcase.

 

“I came all the way up here to count my money jus’ to see a brat tearing my office apart! How did ya even get in here? Ya look way too young to be a customer, kid. What’s ya name?” The man had an annoyed expression as he shouted at Goro who was paralyzed on the floor from the initial shock of being hit in the back of the head.

 

The man wore a dress shirt that was unbuttoned at the top and with the sleeves rolled up to reveal his tattoos. The man reminded him of someone but Goro couldn’t place where he had seen the man before. The man looked much older than him, closer to his fifties which once again left Goro perplexed on why he seemed so familiar. There was something off about him. His eyes were yellow and glowing that either meant he was wearing really convincing contacts or that he wasn’t entirely human. With how the rest of his journey into the shrine had been, Goro was going to assume this guy wasn’t human.

                                                                                                                                                                                            

“M-My name is…Akechi Goro.”

 

The man started to laugh and crouched down to where Goro was. He managed to stabilize himself enough to be sitting upright at least. It was bad enough he went down so easily though being able to recover rather quickly made him feel like he still had some dignity left. He knew he was weak but he didn’t want others to know that too.   

“Akechi, huh? Thought ya looked familiar! Don’t ya remember me, kid? It’s me, uncle Matsuki!” The man gripped Goro by the throat and stood up, dragging Goro up with him. Goro’s hands were around the man’s grip but the man did nothing to lessen his hold.

“I remember ya when you were an itty bitty baby! Ya mama came to see me one day with ya. She was practically on her knees beggin’ for a job and ‘course I couldn’t tell a beautiful woman like her no. She was a real talent, that woman. Never seen a lady go through so many clients in one night before. What was her name now…Kanon? Kaomi? Not that her name matters, ‘cause I’ll never forget that mouth of hers!”

 

“Kaori…Her was Kaori.” Goro said through gritted teeth. The grip on his throat became stronger and Goro was gasping for air.

 

“Oh yeah, that’s right. Kaori. Who would ‘ave thought I’d see her son after all these years? Ya know she would always bitch about ya, right? Every day it was the same ol’ thing. I couldn’t stand hearing her talk ‘bout how much of a pain in the ass ya were! I smacked that bitch a few times and she got the message real quick. Ya know what kid? She was right. Ya are a pain in the ass. Ya came into my office and started destroying my property. I should see if ya got a talented mouth jus’ like ya mom.” Matsuki laughed again and threw Goro up against the wall. His back hit the wall and he landed face first onto the floor.

 

“Stop it.” Goro was on the floor with the side of his face completely flat against the tile. Talking back was probably not the best choice of action considering he was up against someone who one, wasn’t human and two, most likely had way more experience in fighting than Goro. He couldn’t help it though, not after what Matsuki had revealed about what he did to his mother. He felt a growing desire inside of him for revenge that he usually only got when he thought about Shido. It made Goro want to fight back even if he knew it was a losing battle. Here he was face-to-face with one of the people who made his mother’s life a living hell, he wasn’t about to give up and submit to him.

 

“Hmm, what was that, brat? Did ya say somethin’?” Matsuki taunted. He walked over to where Goro was lying and then kicked him in the ribs. Goro prayed to whatever deity there was that his ribs wouldn’t be bruised if he managed to get out of this place alive. He didn’t seem to be entirely convinced that he could get out of here, wherever “here” was exactly, alive.

Goro’s head started to hurt again but this time the pain was more sharp than it was before. It felt like his head was splitting in two. He balanced himself on his elbows and slowly begun to stand up. Matsuki watched in amusement as Goro’s entire body was shaking from the pain of having been nearly killed just minutes prior.

 

“Still not givin’ up, huh kid? Ya mom was like that too.”

 

“I s-said stop.” It was hard for Goro to get the words out when it seemed like the entire room was spinning. His headache only got worse and it didn’t help that his body was at its limit.

 

“Stop? Why don’ cha make me, if ya can even get up that is!” Matsuki reached over to grab Goro again when a strong gust of wind radiating off of Goro threw him against the wall. Matsuki screamed as his body came into contact with the wall on the other side of the room. Goro’s head felt like it was about to explode from the pressure of his headache.

 

 _Giving up already?_  

 

Goro heard the voice in his head ask.

 

_Is revenge meaningless to thou?_

 

“N-no, I…” Goro regained his standing slowly, his legs shaking.

 

_Death is near if thou does not act._

_The pact has been formed and the chains have been unfastened._

_Vow thou’s utter dedication to thy!_

_I am thou, thou art I._

_Thou art willing to do blasphemous acts to exert thou revenge!_

_Let thou desire for vengeance consume thou body, let neither heaven nor hell stand in thou’s way!_

_Call upon my name with thou’s last breath!_

A black mask materialized over Goro’s face. He immediately ripped it off and blood started pouring from his head. Once again, he lost his footing but managed to stabilize himself just enough so that he was no longer shaking.

 

“Heed my call, Loki!” Goro screamed. Another gust of wind encompassed him and the blood from his face was gone. A black and purpled stripped outfit replaced the casual clothes he had been wearing. Loki’s presence above him made Goro smirk. Had he not been in so much pain, he would have broken down laughing. So that meant the dream from a few weeks ago was real? Was this his persona? He’d been an unwanted child his entire life, thrown around between clinical institutions like he was a burden they couldn’t wait to get rid of.

The fact that someone like him, someone who lived solely to enact revenge, had been selected by some sort of higher being to have a persona was all too coincidental. What was this, a video game? Yet here he was on the brink of death when all of a sudden his persona awakens. In the grand scheme of things, Goro never thought his life would pan out this way. But now that he somehow received these powers, it would be a waste not to use them, right?

 

“What does thou desire thine to do?” Loki’s voice snapped Goro out of his thoughts.

That’s right, Goro thought, he was up against Matsuki who currently looked like he was on the verge of passing out from sheer fear. Goro allowed himself to laugh this time despite how his body trembled with every breath. This was all too comical, wasn’t it? He had Loki under his complete control; he could make him do whatever he wanted. Why stop at just scaring Matsuki?

 

“Kill him.”

 --

The battle was over in a few seconds. All it took was one hit from Loki to have Matsuki completely limp on the ground with his golden eyes rolled back into his head. Goro walked over to where Matsuki’s body lay, unmoving. Loki had taken no mercy on him by unleashing his most powerful attack; whatever Matsuki was, he was as good as dead. It was over, the entire thing was finally over. Goro had tasted revenge and became intoxicated with lust for it. It was addicting, to establish yourself as someone who isn’t weak, someone who could stand on their own and fight back.

Perhaps Goro should have had felt some remorse. Perhaps Goro shouldn’t have taken the most extreme course of action. He was beyond fucked up, wasn’t he? He had not an ounce of regret in him and had he had the option of doing it over, he would have dragged out killing Matsuki so that the other was begging for death. It terrified him to think that the longer he thought about this, the more obsessed he became with getting revenge against all the forbidding adults that looked down on him. Matsuki was a start but Shido was who he really wanted to see crumble.

He would do anything in his power to make sure that Shido suffered more than he had ever suffered in his life. The knowledge that Goro could make it happen, that Goro now had a persona who was willing to do his bidding, that it was no longer a pipe dream but actually within his grasp made Goro drunk with power. This was the beginning of the start of his new life. He had only one purpose now and thanks to Loki, he would be able to achieve it.

 

A sudden vibration filled the shrine. Pieces of the ceiling began to fall down, denting the tiled floor on impact. Goro looked around the office. Loki had disappeared and Matsuki’s body still was undisturbed. Another large chunk of the ceiling fell which made Goro realize he probably had a few minutes at most to get out before the entire building collapsed. It was almost an after thought when Goro took one of the large chunks that had fallen and walked over to where Matsuki was. Without a second’s worth of hesitation, Goro took all the strength he had left in his body and slammed it against Matsuki’s head. Blood poured out from beneath the cement like piece.

The crimson looked so beautiful against the white tile, Goro thought. It was a shame he had to leave right now because otherwise he wanted nothing more than to bask in the sight of the scene laid out before him for as long as he could. _It truly is a shame that I have to leave_ , Goro thought.

 

“Goodbye, Matsuki. May you never find peace.”

 

And with the Goro began his quick paced descent down the stairs. The walls of the shrine were threatening to collapse as he made his way down, level by level, until he reached the main floor. The people he had seen when he first walked in were still there, unaffected by what was happening around them.

“Everyone please, the shrine is about to collapse, you have to evacuate this place immediately!” Goro yelled.

No one seemed to hear him, they were too busy repeating the same old motions as before. He ran up to one of the chained women and grabbed her by the hand to get her to stand up. However, she would not budge from her seat on the floor. Her eyes were blank and the expression she had was void of any emotion. She was a shell of a person, broken by the ways of the shrine and too far gone to realize it.  It was a losing battle especially with the floor seeming to be seconds away from collapsing under the weight of the shrine.

Goro had no choice but to abandon his effort in saving them. He ran towards the exit of the shrine, the floor behind him crumbling. Had he stayed even a second too late he would have met the same fate as those who were left in the shrine.

 

He reached out to the door and pushed it open when a blinding bright light surrounded him.

\--

Goro woke up disoriented in the back alley of the red light district. His head hurt which wasn’t anything new as it was the running motif of his fucked up day. He got up gradually and walked out of the alley expecting to find the remains of the shrine. He expected to see the fire department and the police cars and hell, he was expecting to give a statement on what had happened. Instead, to his utter surprise, the red light district looked exactly as how he remembered it. No shrine, no fog, nothing out of the ordinary.

There were people going about their day to day lives as if nothing had happened. The shrine was real though, Goro thought. It had to be real especially since his entire body ached and he had bruises on his ribs from being kicked by Matsuki. That’s right, Matsuki was dead, wasn’t he? Goro had killed him in the shrine and made sure he was dead before it collapsed.

 

“Meow.”

 

It was the white cat from earlier. The cat kept meowing until Goro looked down at him. The cat swished his tail from side to side and rubbed his body against Goro’s legs. It was nice to have some sort of comfort even if it was from a stray cat. He bent down to pet the cat and the cat gave into his touch. He was content in that moment and he kind of wished he had a cat. Or at least knew someone who had a cat because he wouldn’t mind getting to pet it every once in a while. The cat removed himself from Goro’s touch and walked a few feet down the main street.

 

“Meow!”

 

“I’m guessing you want me to follow you again, huh?” Goro asked.

 

“Meow.” And with that being all the confirmation that he needed, Goro began to follow a cat for the second time today. They walked in relative silence, though it was not like he could have a conversation with a cat in public without it being seen as weird. A few minutes had passed and from the distance Goro could see a small group of people form outside one of the shops in the red light district.

 

“Is this what you wanted to show me?” Goro whispered.

 

“Meow.” The cat nudged at Goro’s legs to signal to him to keep walking. As he approached the group of people, he noticed that there was an ambulance parked right outside the shop. The shop looked very familiar too, like he’d seen it somewhere before. He looked up and saw that the awning of the shop read, “HOST CLUB & BAR”. So he was standing outside of a host club with a cat that seemed to understand human language. Of course Goro’s day had to get weirder. He got closer to the crowd of people to listen in on what they were saying to maybe find out what the commotion was all about.

 

_“Oh my god, he was so young…”_

_“He was like 50, right? Dying of a heart attack at that age is so sad.”_

_“I can’t believe it happened so out of the blue, you know? Yesterday I passed by this place and I saw the owner outside.”_

_“Did he seem healthy?”_  
_“Yeah he seemed fine, well, at least that’s what I thought…I guess maybe he wasn’t after all.”_

_“The owner…Matsuki was it? He’d been working at this club for over a decade now and--“_

 

Goro stopped listening. It had to be a coincidence. Even though he killed Matsuki that was inside of a shrine and as far as he could tell, there was no collapsed shrine anywhere in the red light district. Just as luck may have it, the door of the club opened and the paramedics carried the lifeless body of a man on the stretcher. Goro untangled himself from the crowd and ran up to the ambulance to get a closer look of the man. The sheet the paramedics placed on top of the body slipped off near the head and Goro froze in his place.

On the stretcher was undoubtedly Matsuki. He was dead. There was an immediate sinking feeling in his gut that told him that it was all his doing. Goro had indeed killed him but none of it made sense unless the “killing” part didn’t actually happen in this world. Wherever he was earlier didn’t seem to exist anymore yet the aftermath affected the reality he was currently in. No one knew that Goro had killed him and as far as he could tell, there was no incriminating evidence either. It appeared that he had died of a simple heart attack.

Goro turned around and walked away from the crime scene. The white cat had long left his side but Goro knew that it wouldn’t be the last time he saw that white cat. He felt Loki stir in the back of his mind. It was Loki reassuring him that everything that happened was real and that their agreement on revenge was still in tact. He wore a faint smile all the way back to the institution.

 

This was going to be really interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard to write _(:3」∠)_ Please let me know if you enjoyed reading it.
> 
> We will get to the main story soon, I promise _(:3」∠)_
> 
> I have finals soon and then after that I am free. I don't have a regular updating schedule but I will try not to go more than a week without updating.


	5. Forsythia

That following night, Goro had another strange dream. He was back in that blue room with his right foot chained to the wall in the same cramped prison cell as last time. If he were one to believe in reading into dreams, then surely his sub consciousness was trying to tell him something by having him appear in a literal prison cell in his dream. This time around, Goro began by carefully observing the room sprawled out in front of him. The room was embraced by glowing blue light but it was a kind of blue that was neither sad nor nostalgic; in fact, the blue gave off an unsettling but calm aurora that left Goro wondering if that was intentional. He could stay here for hours and not even notice, he concluded.

This room had that type of power to it where he could be essentially forever lost in his thoughts. It was scary to think how calm he was considering he was usually on the edge of his seat in his day to day life with how hard he tried to keep his composed composure for the public eye.

 

“Welcome to the Velvet Room.” Goro had instantly notice that the that voice which greeted him was the same one as from before. He walked over to the metal bars and when he looked out of them, he saw the same old man sitting at his desk. However, this time he was alone as the two little girls were not with him. Maybe this time he would be actually able to speak with the man and not be interrupted.

 

“This room exists between dream and reality, mind and matter. I apologize for my rudeness in forgetting to introduce myself last time. My name is Igor. Though they are not present, my two assistants are Caroline and Justine,” Igor explained.

 

“Why am I here?” That was the only thought in Goro’s mind. Now that he knew this place, wherever it was, was real he wanted answers. He wasn’t sure whether the answers he would receive would be the ones he wanted to hear.

 

“I am afraid I cannot go into detail, but you have been selected as the Wildcard and I see that you’ve already made use of your persona. Excellent.”

 

“You mean Loki? I didn’t really know what was going on he just sort of…appeared.” It was true that back in the shrine, all Goro could think about was surviving and getting revenge on Matsuki. Did he miss any crucial details about personas in his fit of rage and lust for vengeance? Maybe. He wasn’t sure if he did miss anything as he was almost certain he blacked out between summoning his persona and escaping the collapsing shrine. It all seemed like a blur to him especially since for the better part of the day he thought he was in a dream.

 

Igor crossed his hands in front of him and smiled. The gesture made Goro uncomfortable. There was something off about the old man but he couldn’t tell exactly what it was. Sure, there was something off about this entire situation if you really thought about it but nevertheless, Goro felt like there was something Igor wasn’t telling him. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something important about what had happened to him was being omitted.

 

“You have the power to manifest a persona in the cognitive world. I cannot say anymore on this but if you wish to know more, follow the white cat whenever he appears.” Igor explained.

 

“Wait, the white cat was your doing?” The white cat being connected to this place hadn’t been a possibility that crossed Goro’s mind. So much for being a wannabe detective when he couldn’t even deduce simple connections like that. However, in his defense he was having an incredibly off day.

 

“Surely you would not expect a regular cat to understand human language, right Akechi Goro?” Igor was glaring at him but his facial expression was one of amusement. It seemed as though Igor was enjoying humiliating him like this. Goro felt embarrassed and looked down at his chained feet.

 

“I…I suppose not…,” he began. It took him a few seconds to recover and regain his composure when he remembered that he still didn’t know anything about this at all.

 

“What does the cognitive world actually mean? Do the actions there affect the real world, how does that all work?! Please, I know I was selected to do this, but I don’t know what it all means.” Goro clutched the metal bars. He was desperate to know what was going on and while he didn’t regret killing Matsuki, he couldn’t exactly say that he knew that Matsuki would die outside the cognitive world either. In fact, he really didn’t know anything about what happened. The shrine had seemed fake from the beginning and when he had deduced it was “real”, it still didn’t tell him anything. Matsuki had glowing golden eyes, there wasn’t a single way he could have been human! He was a monster in the literal and figurative sense. Yes, Goro was dead set on revenge at the time, but he had no way of knowing that killing the thing that was Matsuki in the shrine would kill the “real” Matsuki either.

 

“Follow the cat next time he appears and you will get the answers that you seek.” Igor said.

 

Goro was about to call out to him again when he jolted up in his bed. He looked over at the alarm clock, it read 4:03 AM. He let his head hit the pillow and took a deep breath. This was beyond confusing. Why was he only able to communicate with Igor when he was asleep? And why was it always on Igor’s terms? Igor never told him how to enter the Velvet Room, he would always be brought there against his will. He had no say in anything that was happening to him, it was like he was a pawn in someone’s game of chess. Just being moved around without any indication that he was making the choice himself. Had everything that happened to him been just according to what Igor wanted? It wasn’t a stretch to say that Igor was playing a bigger role in Goro’s life than he let on. The only thing Goro didn’t understand was the motive. Why him? What was so special about him that he was given a persona? And what was the end goal?

                                                                  

Goro couldn’t believe that not even twenty-four hours ago he gained supernatural powers, killed someone in whatever the cognitive world was, and make a pact with a said supernatural being to continue enacting his revenge. It was something out of a bad sci-fi novel that Goro may or may not have an affinity for reading in his spare time. Everyone had their guilty pleasures after all and if Goro’s happened to be bad sci-fi novels, well then nobody really needed to know that.

 

Reflecting on what Igor had told him, he still didn’t have a clue on what he was supposed to do aside from “follow the cat” which didn’t really leave him much to go by. Where was he supposed to find the cat? Whenever he had seen the cat, it had been on the cat’s accord. Where would you even find cats in a city as big as Tokyo? Was he just supposed to go outside and pray that the cat bumps into him? The cat was somehow “controlled” by Igor, whatever it meant, but it seemed to have some limiting abilities as it could only understand him but not speak back. It made it even more difficult to get information out since he couldn’t comprehend a series of meows. It was a game of cat and mouse and in the overarching scheme of things and Goro was not the cat.

 

There was no point in stressing over everything so early in the morning, Goro thought. He rolled over to his side and tried to fall back asleep. It was a humid night which was common for this time of year. He pushed his bangs out of the way and noticed his forehead was covered in a thin layer of sweat. The institution had fans but as with anything government related, it wasn’t exactly state-of-the-art technology. It sufficed but on especially unbearable nights like this one, he wished he could be in a cold air conditioned room. It would be nice to have his own room too. God, what a fucking dream, Goro thought bitterly. He imagined other teenagers his age didn’t have similar desires assuming they were fortunate enough to live outside of a child care institution. He wished there would be at least a small breeze through the open window but the chilly night air was stagnant. It would be hard to fall back asleep given how uncomfortable he was.

 

It was Monday and he had to be up in a few hours to attend the last week of classes before break. If the cat were to appear in the morning, Goro wasn’t sure if he would follow him given that he needed to maintain his grades to be considered for work at the police station. Speaking of which, he had a bad habit of losing track of (not important) dates, namely his own birthday, but he was 16 now, wasn’t he? He had been so caught up in starting his second year of school off with perfect grades that he forgot completely about his own birthday. On any other year, his birthday wouldn’t matter much to him however, now that he was 16 he could technically leave this place. Granted, the staff wouldn’t let him until he could prove that he was self sufficient, but other than that he was free to leave at any time now. With the recent events, he might leave sooner than later though. While his original plan was to leave by the end of the year, maybe he could see if the police station took students in on a rolling basis.

Of course the pay wasn’t that high, especially a student job, but it was just enough for Goro to be qualified as self sufficient by the institution. He would finally be free from this place and literally living in a shoebox apartment in a shady part of town was better than living here. Hell, if Goro had to move to somewhere outside of the city and commute to school and work every day, he’d do it. As long as it meant leaving the institution, Goro didn’t care where he ended up.

 

Goro then wondered if it were too late to celebrate his 16th birthday given it was already into the third week of July and school was ending this week. Maybe he’d go and buy something sweet from a bakery as a double celebration for both his birthday and summer break starting.

 

About twenty minutes had passed since Goro had woken up and he more or less adjusted to the humidity in the room. He closed his eyes and counted back from a hundred in hopes he would finally be able to fall back asleep. 

 

Thankfully, Goro was able to sleep without any strange dreams although he a part of him wanted to go back to the Velvet Room in hopes of maybe getting more answers.

 

\--

 

Breakfast at the child care institution was an impersonal ordeal. He ate whatever they served and if he didn’t like what they had that morning that meant he would go without breakfast. The staff only pretended to care because in actuality, they didn’t spare extra concern for unwanted children. That didn’t mean they didn’t care completely, it just meant that if you had a complaint with something they would answer “sorry, but that’s just how it is” instead of trying to remedy the situation.

 

He couldn’t blame them for acting that way, after all, they weren’t paid to be stand-in parental figures.

 

He would often overhear the staff complain about how difficult “throwaway” children were. He’d hear them mumble insults under their breath when they thought no one was listening. Goro tried not to take what they said about him and the others who lived in the institution to heart, but hearing it on a regular basis for a majority of his life made him believe at his very core that he was truly an unwanted, throwaway child.

 

This morning was particularly uneventful. Goro woke up on time, like usual, got dressed in his school uniform, like usual, and headed down to the cafeteria to have his bland breakfast, like usual. Today was miso soup, rice, and a bit of unidentifiable grilled fish. It was a traditional breakfast that some would even consider healthy, however it was not the case with this. The miso soup was watery, the rice was stale, and Goro wasn’t sure that it was even grilled fish on his plate. Low government funding meant that the food that was served passed barely on the edible scale.

 

Goro was lucky though. He was the only person in his institution that attended a private school on a full scholarship. Mostly everything he needed to attended was either free or subsidized and all he had to do was keep his grades up to maintain his scholarship. It was the last week of classes and now that he was a second year, it meant that he couldn’t slack off during the summer break. The next step in his plan involved getting into a good university, hopefully Tokyo University, and studying criminal justice.

 

Having finished his breakfast, Goro got up to push his dirty dishes away when he glanced at his watch and realized he was running a few minutes late. It wasn’t like him to be late to school especially when he had his routine down to the second which made it all the more confusing to him that he was running late. He grabbed his bag and said a quick goodbye to the staff before running to the train station. The commute wasn’t so bad; it was about about a little over an hour though it did take two trains. Goro made it barely on time for the 7:05 AM train to pull in the station. Class began at 8:30 AM and Goro would show up early so that he could take the time to study before homeroom started.

 

The high school Goro went to was the definition of “fancy rich kid school”. He felt out of his element and no matter how hard he tried, he could never relate to his peers. That didn’t mean he wasn’t popular though, quite the contrary. Goro built up a good reputation in his two years of attending the school. He was known to be reliable and of course, an excellent tutor. It was how he made his spare cash actually, tutoring rich kids in the library after school. He also took payments in the form of dinner because god, anything was better than having to eat whatever the institution served. It was how he came to know of different trendy restaurants in the area. Some of the students that approached him did so because they would be too embarrassed to admit to their parents that they needed extra help and others loathed the idea of an extra cram school so they took advantage of Goro’s services instead. The amount of tutoring work he did wasn’t by any means considered a lot and with school about to let out for summer break, his minimal income that he earned from doing work would soon cease to exist. 

 

The train ride to his high school was the same as always: crowded and uncomfortable. It didn’t help that the air conditioning in the train cart that he was in wasn’t able to keep up with the amount of riders. It was the type of humid heat that radiated off of the fellow straphangers that left Goro choking on the hot air. He had to remind himself daily why he was subjecting himself to this torture.

 

Goro wished for a time where he wouldn’t have to take a crowded train during rush hour every morning to attend school. He let himself daydream about what it would be like to live somewhere within walking – or biking--, distance. It would be nice if he could wake up half an hour before he needed to be somewhere and only have to walk five minutes to get there. It made Goro depressed that his fantasies included being able to eat a decent breakfast and living close to his place of work and study. Surely the average teenager wasn’t dreaming about this on their morning commute.

 

Goro turned his attention to the window in front of him as the train went over a bridge. The water below the bridge was still. The morning sun rose above the horizon line where the water met the sky. The sun’s rays illuminated the area and made it blinding to stare at.

 

It reminded Goro that he never had the chance to go down to the riverbank. Back when he was a little kid, his mother would promise to take him on a picnic down at the riverbank. She was excited about it but as work grew more demanding for her, the promise was slowly pushed aside for more important things. Goro wondered if he would ever have a picnic with someone at the riverbank. It was a stupid desire to have, but he couldn’t help but think that fulfilling that promise would somehow make him feel closer to his mother. She used to mention how when she was in high school, her and her friends would have picnics to commemorate the beginnings of holiday breaks. While Goro was well known at his school, he was also a loner who didn’t have any real friends. It wasn’t as though he chose to isolate himself on purpose, it was because he moved around so often that making friends was pointless. Getting attached to friends meant it would be harder to get up and leave when the time came to be sent to a different institution. It was hard on him especially since it meant he had no one to talk to but perhaps, in a way, he was better off like this. Friends are merely distractions, Goro thought. He didn’t need anything to distract him from his goal.

 

Everything was fake from how he conducted himself around others to his carefully chosen excuses regarding why he couldn’t see his classmates after school (it was because he had a curfew to abide by at the institution). Goro wondered if he could ever be carefree enough like his mother once was, before he was born, to be able to go to picnics at the riverbank.

 

“Next Stop is— “

 

Goro snapped out of his thoughts. His stop was next which meant he had to brace himself for the hoard of people getting off. Keeping your head down while nearly shouting “excuse me” while trying to get off the train never got any less anxiety-inducing. At least this week was going to be the last time he would have to get off at this stop and have to suffer through this.

 

It took Goro less than ten minutes to walk to school, although it was because he was speed walking after having left late this morning. He made it in time for homeroom with a few minutes to spare. Class 2A was almost already full; it was rare for someone to come late to his class. Goro took out his textbook for his first class he had that morning, history, and began to review the chapter they last covered in class. He was so engrossed in his notes that he didn’t notice someone trying to get his attention.

 

“Um… Sorry to bother you, Akechi-san…” The sudden interruption startled Goro. He was out of it this entire morning and it showed on his face how tired he was.

 

“Oh my god, I didn’t mean to scare you like that, I’m sorry.” The girl apologized with her head down in a low bow. It wasn’t that big of a deal to him but the girl was clearly embarrassed.

 

“It’s quite alright, uh- “

 

“Tamura Kanon.” The girl supplied. The girl was in his class though he didn’t know her name. She appeared to be shy and unsure of herself. Despite that, her hair was a bright ginger color. Her hair was neatly tied into twin tails with a red ribbon securing it. Her eyes reminded Goro of honey and he noticed she had the faintest freckles on the bridge of her nose. To put it simply, she was the embodiment of warmth. She was obviously a foreigner, but she had a Japanese sounding name, which made Goro wonder what her origins were exactly. Not that it was any of his business, but you just didn’t see a ginger foreign girl with a Japanese name often.  

 

“Right, Tamura-san, is there anything you need help with?” Goro asked.

 

“Um, actually… I was wondering if you could tutor me in literature. Since we have that exam coming up soon and all… Of course I’ll treat you to dinner if you want…” Kanon trailed off, her eyes were stuck on her shoes. To say that she was shy was an understatement. Was she really asking him to tutor her or was she just using it as an excuse to go get dinner with him? He didn’t want to get ahead of himself and assume anything, however the way the tips of her ears turned red when she brought up the dinner part made Goro think otherwise. There was no harm in humoring her and besides, he was planning on treating himself to something nice anyway.

 

“Sure, Tamura-san. When are you available to come to the library?” Goro gave her a small smile when she finally looked up at him. Her blushing became more intense and she looked as though she was about to back out last minute.

 

“W-Wednesday…We can do Wednesday if that’s alright with you Akechi-san.”

 

“Wednesday works for me. I’ll see you then.” The girl bowed again but because of how light headed she was feeling, she lost her balance and fell into Goro.

 

She was half in his lap with her arms around Goro. When she realized the position she was in, she jolted out of his grasp and shouted out an apology as she ran out of the classroom. Goro couldn’t help but chuckle at the entire scene. Sure he felt bad for her but seeing her so flustered was kind of funny. He reminded himself to be extra nice to her on Wednesday because he did ultimately pity her for having this much anxiety whilst talking to him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(:3」∠)_ I had finals and then I got sick right after I took 2/3 of them. Now I am finally free and on winter break but now I'm playing even more mobage because I am addicted. 
> 
> Next chapter I show off my knowledge of Japanese literature which I solely learned from reading/watching Bungou Stray Dogs (anyone playing the mobile game? I am and it's addicting). 
> 
> Pls kudos if you liked this chapter thank u see u in a week or sooner this time I promise.


	6. Red Tulips

 

Tuesday came and went without Goro fully registering it. He would have forgotten about Wednesday as well had he not agreed to tutor Tamura Kanon in the library. She was a sweet girl, albeit shy, but her vibrant orange locks left her at the mercy of a lot of unwanted attention.

 

Goro wondered if she ever thought about dying her hair a darker shade to blend in, though he had to admit there was something admirable about her for her to not give in to the easy solution of changing her rustic copper hair to a muted black finish. It was sad how hard she tried to be the unnoticed background character in her day-to-day life when her hair spoke out loud every word that was stuck in her throat.

 

The pair had agreed to meet in the third floor of the library after classes had finished for the day. The library was in a separate building from the main school building; it was across the street and massive in the sheer number of floors that it had. The school prided itself on its state-of-the-art technology which showed in how decorated the library building was.

 

It was a seven story high building, modeled after Western style architecture, that towered in comparison to the high school. Walking up the stairs of the building, Goro noticed how packed with students the library was. It seemed that his literature teacher was not the only one who had the torturous idea of having exams right before summer break began.

 

It took Goro a considerable amount of time to find an empty table. He managed to find one hidden between where the last row of academic texts ended and the back walls of the third floor began. It wasn’t the best spot to sit given how tucked away it was from the grandeur floor-to-ceiling windows that incased the third floor with natural sunlight, but it was secluded enough that it ensured they wouldn’t be bothered, although the dimly lit corner brought forth the desolate atmosphere that Goro tried so hard to avoid submerging in.  

 

Tamura arrived shortly after Goro had gotten settled in with his literature notes neatly spread out on the table and his textbook open to the last chapter that they covered in class.

 

“Hi, um, Akechi-san,” Tamura’s voice didn’t carry at all despite being in an almost silent library.

 

Regardless, it was enough to get his attention. Goro looked up and greeted her with a half smile. Her face flushed and she casted her eyes down as if her shoes were the most interesting thing in the library.

 

“Hello, come sit down Tamura-san. Is there anything you want to go over today in particular?” He asked hoping that her shyness wouldn’t deter her from speaking up. He was doing this for her sake, after all, so he wanted to make sure she got the most out of the session.

 

“Umm…A-Actually, there is. The poetry chapter that we’re covering in class…”

 

“Oh, you mean the chapter on Nakahara’s work? It’s probably going to be on the exam, do you want me to help you go over it?” Goro wasn’t very fond of poetry himself, it was often too convoluted and indirect, but there was something about Nakahara Chuuya’s work that left him with a deep appreciation for it.

 

“Yes, if you could, would you mind going over his work? I can’t…seem to understand how to interpret it correctly.” Tamura-san admitted. She was sitting down across the table from Goro but he could tell from his angle that she was fidgeting with the hem of her pleaded skirt. She couldn’t sit still and he wondered if it were him that was making her so restless. It would be best if he didn’t call her out on it, knowing how anxious she got when she accidentally fell on him a few days ago, it would only make her unnecessarily more flustered if he were to bring attention to her nervous ticks.

 

“Thankfully only one of his poems is going to be on the exam that we need to know. It’s _Soiled Sorrow_ , so we can start by reading through it.”

 

 

“I’ll, uh, take notes on the parts I don’t understand,” Tamura said. Goro nodded in affirmation and began reading the poem.

 

_Soiled Sorrow:_

_today too snow falls on it;_

_soiled sorrow:_

_today too wind blows on it._

Tamura looked over at her copy of the poem. She had written a few notes in the margin while Goro was reading the first stanza out loud. He noticed she looked like she wanted to comment on it, so he decided it was best to pause and let her voice her thoughts.

 

“The way he writes his poetry is so melancholic. It makes me sad having to read it,” Tamura confessed.

 

“I agree, his work is rather sad, isn’t it? There’s something beautiful in his sorrow though,” Goro responded. He had a soft spot for those who were able to turn their suffering into art, it was something he often wished he were able to do himself.

 

He fiddled with the pen in his hand, unsure of what to write down regarding an analysis. He could always recite what their literature teacher had said about the poem but it was clear that Tamura wasn’t here for a regurgitation of the notes that she probably took as well.

 

He continued to read the rest of the poem while Tamura jotted down her notes.

 

 

_Soiled sorrow_

_is like, say, a fox’s fur;_

_soiled sorrow,_

_covered with snow, curls up._

_Soiled sorrow_

_has no desires or wishes;_

_soiled sorrow_

_in its torpor dreams of death._

_Soiled sorrow_

_frightens me piteously;_

_soiled sorrow_

_can’t be remedied, and the sun sets…_

After he had finished reading, he looked over at Tamura who was staring at her notes, her brow furrowed.

 

“I get the poem I just…I don’t get how to analyze, it if that makes sense. I don’t even know where to begin.” Tamura sighed and pushed her notes towards Goro for him to look over.

 

“I wrote some things down but I feel kinda dumb when it comes to discussing poetry. I prefer history over literature, if I’m being honest,” she continued. She relaxed her shoulders and let out a breath that she was holding. It was clear that she was starting to get more comfortable around Goro especially since she started to view him more as her tutor rather than her classmate that she may or may not have a crush on.

 

Goro read over her notes and was impressed with what she had written. What struck him as odd was that she made notes on Nakahara’s personal life, something that they hadn’t really discussed in class.

 

“What you wrote so far is actually really good, but you mentioned his personal life in your annotations, is that something you want to focus on?” Goro asked.

 

“Yeah, since we have to write our interpretations of it for the exam and I prefer history so I just thought it would be more enjoyable to write why I think he wrote such sad poems, from like, a personal standpoint I guess…”

 

“I haven’t looked into his biography aside from what we went over in class,” he admitted. Tamura looked shocked to say the least, she had not been excepting such an admission from him. _Well_ , she thought, _it’s a good excuse to continue to talk to him then._

 

“Really? Huh… I know that this is supposed to be you tutoring me but I can give you a summary about him so that you can help me with my analysis,” Tamura said.

  
He nodded and Tamura began her brief overview.

 

“Well, you see, he grew up in a well-off family but he had a lot of sad things happen to him. Like his brother died when he was eight and that was the first time he wrote a poem… I was thinking that since like the loss of his brother was the catalyst for him writing poetry, his work must’ve based off of the pain he had. Also, he was in love with a woman who ended up leaving him for his friend, which is pretty messed up though apparently he never stopped being friends with the guy.

 

Anyway, later on he went to study French at a university because he was like really into French culture and his poems kinda reflect that. He did end up getting married and he had a son but unfortunately his son died like a few years later, I think he was three or four when he died? It was so sad reading about that, Nakahara had a nervous breakdown cause of that actually. He died a year later, I forgot of what disease but he was only thirty when he died…

 

It’s really sad to think about how he couldn’t deal with his son dying, it makes me think about my own life? Like, if I had a kid I don’t know if I could handle them dying, y’know?”

 

Goro didn’t know how to react. It was ridiculous how he couldn’t get his emotions and thoughts under control. Life was truly ironic, wasn’t it? To think that Nakahara had a nervous breakdown because of the death of his child whereas Goro’s own mother would rather kill herself than deal with the embarrassment that came with being his mother was…well, it was the ironic twist of the knife that plunged deeper and deeper into Goro’s already shredded heart. Now wasn’t the time to get emotional, it especially wasn’t the time to get jealous of a dead author.

Having someone love you so much that they would collapse under their own mental anguish the moment you were gone from this world seemed something straight out of a fairy tale. It was unthinkable to Goro that there were people that could love their own child to that extreme extent. God knows Goro’s own father didn’t love him and his mother, while she wasn’t a saint, loved him to a limit. Her love for him was not limitless, it was not endless, it did not come without bounds and restrictions. It was a type of love that had limitations, endings, and confinements within the realm of what she was willing to give up for the sake of her child.  To think that anyone at all would care, would love, would _want_ to love someone, anyone… _him_ that much was unthinkable.

It wasn’t in the realm of possibilities to even so much as pretend that his death, if he were to die right now, would affect anyone to the point where they wouldn’t be able to function, to live, to _exist_ without him there. His life was meaningless as it did not give meaning. His life was a thrown away, rejected manuscript of a bad dramatic-irony-filled horror novel. This was not the time to pity his undeserving existence nor was it the time to feel sorry for himself for daring to wake up alive and breathing.

 

Goro exhaled. He composed himself. He picked his words carefully making sure not to give away his near-breaking point façade.

 

“That was certainly a sad life that he had. I have a few suggestions for your analysis based on incorporating his personal life,” Goro said with a collected demeanor.

 

Tamura smiled, her eyes glistened as Goro got up to shoulder-to-shoulder with her, his eyes fixated on the combination of both their notes, his hand never once leaving the papers in front of him.

 

They continued working until the evening had hit and the already dimly lit area they were in became even more encompassed with the threat of absolute darkness.

 

 

\--

 

 

It was almost six in the evening when the pair had exited the library. Tamura basked in relief and contentment as they descended down the marble stairs of the exterior of the library.

 

The street stretched out before them lay vacant save for the occasional passerby. The distant sounds of speeding cars on the busy main street did little to disturb the serene air near where the school was situated.

 

Turning to Goro, Tamura disrupted the serenity by extending her hand to grab his wrist before he the inevitable niceties and parting wishes could be spoken.

 

“W-Wait, Akechi-san, let me buy you dinner, remember how I promised I would pay you back for the tutoring session...” Tamura’s cheeks were lightly dusted with a rose tint. Her tight grip on his wrist felt clammy and the humid evening air did nothing to ease his discomfort. Her brief outburst coupled with her direct gaze that pleaded for him to listen to her request left him in a state of uneasiness. If the discomfort he felt as a natural reaction had flickered across his face for a split second before he was able to compose himself, then Tamura pretended to not have seen it, opting to write it off as shock from her sudden eruption of courage.

 

“Huh. Oh! That’s right, you did say that. Sorry my head’s a bit burnt out from the session, but we did end up getting a lot done so I can’t really complain,” he joked. In truth, he was still fighting layers of never ending self-hate that forced him to run on autopilot mode throughout the latter half of the session. It was hard to concentrate when your brain was telling you that you were better off dead and no one would ever love you to the extent that you wanted to be loved. Still, he would feel bad turning down her invitation to dinner and besides, he could use some food to eat his self-loathing feelings away. Clearly he knew how to cope with his emotions.

 

“Great! I know just the place we can go. How do you feel about pancakes for dinner?” Tamura asked.

 

Inside his mind, Goro was laughing. Of course out of all the places she could possibly suggest, she suggests getting pancakes. It took all the willpower left in him not to breakdown crying. Instead, he offered her a warm smile and said, “That sounds lovely, I’m particularly fond of pancakes myself so I will have to take you up on that offer.”

 

Tamura grasps his hand and doesn’t let go the entire twenty-minute walk to the new hole-in-the-wall diner located off one of the backstreets near the train station. Goro pretends not to mind.

 

 

\--

 

 

The diner sat amid a few mom and pop specialty shops in the middle of a backstreet somewhere in the midst of the Tokyo region.

 

Walking inside the diner, Goro’s first instinct is to firmly but politely come up with an excuse and leave. The shop was filled with young people, specifically young couples, that were probably all there on dates.

 

Any signs of discomfort that Goro was giving off were blissfully ignored by Tamura who took the initiative to drag him by his hand to an open booth that faced the window looking out on the street.

 

“I hope you don’t mind I picked this table, I like people watching,” Tamura explained as she rested her chin in her hands, turning her attention to look out the window to observe the street in front of them. The sun was starting to set and the streetlights illuminated their small portion of the concrete outside.

 

“No, it’s fine. I like people watching too,” Goro said. It wasn’t a lie by any means, in fact, it was the closest thing to the truth that he had said the entire afternoon they were together. He avoided getting into unnecessary details about himself, preferring to keep his personal life out of the topic of conversation.

 

There were a few fern plants scattered across the diner that added a pop of color to the otherwise mahogany themed restaurant.

 

Their waitress is a young woman with her hair braided in a neat fishtail braid that rested on top of her right shoulder. Her demeanor reflected all her pent up frustration working the evening shift. She makes no effort to hide her displeasure. She was overtly dripping in niceties, her words not matching her tone. Goro understood her predicament all too well but pretended that he didn’t.

 

They both order pancakes.

 

While they were waiting for their food, Tamura began fidgeting with her schoolbag in her lap. Goro assumed she was going to pull out her notes to ask him something regarding their schoolwork but instead she pulled out a neatly wrapped box.

 

“O-Ok so, I’m sorry if this is weird or anything and I totally get if you get mad at me for this but… Happy birthday, Akechi-san.” She pushed her hands out with the wrapped box clutched tightly in her grip. Goro stared at her with a blank expression but she didn’t notice as her head is tilted between her stretched out arms and her eyes are firmly shut. He took the present into both of his hands with as much gentle care as he can manage.

 

“Thank you for the gift, Tamura-san but my birthday was last month--, “Goro began.

 

“I know, um, I mean, I found out last week when your birthday was. B-But it was by accident! I was in the faculty office helping out when I knocked into bunch of school records on one of the desks and they toppled over so I was picking them up and, and I’m sorry I didn’t mean to look at your record! I only checked the first page to see when your birthday was because I wanted to get you a gift and, and…” She had her head down in a makeshift bow form, her body stiff.

 

“It’s…fine. Please don’t apologize, it was an accident after all,” Goro said. He was stuck between being annoyed at her for invading his privacy and being touched at her for caring enough to get him a present even though it was a month later. Tamura lifted her head, relief painted across her face. Her eyes glistened with hope that spoke of their future together perhaps as friends, perhaps as something more.

 

She reached for the glass of water covered in condensation from the unbearable heat that followed them inside the diner. Goro felt the heat cling to back of his neck and the sides of his waist.

 

It was hot. Insufferably hot.

 

“Why didn’t you tell anyone last month about your birthday? Why did you keep it a secret? We could have celebrated it with you if you wanted…” Tamura was no longer avoiding his eyes. Her gaze peered directly into him with a mixture of pity, faux concern, and the roots of what would later become lust.

 

“It kind of just slipped my mind, really. With exams coming up, I was too busy studying to really celebrate and I didn’t want to distract anyone else during that time too.” It wasn’t completely a lie but the truth was that he hated his birthday and hated any reminder that he was born.

 

“That’s really considerate of you,” Tamura let out a small laugh as she reached for her glass to take another sip. The black plastic straw between her lips contrasted with her pale skin. It felt sensual but above all it felt wrong for Goro to watch as she sucked on the straw with more force than needed.

 

“As expected from a top student,” she continued, “I’m sorry for invading your privacy like that, I feel bad for putting you on the spot now by asking you so many questions. It’s really none of my business, right? I should have been more considerate of your feelings…But please, open the present I think if anything it makes up for all of this.”

 

The present in front of Goro was wrapped in a light blue wrapping paper with a silver ribbon tied in a bow in the center. Aesthetically, the gift was beautiful; it was apparent there was a lot of thought that went into its presentation.

 

It had been years since Goro had been given a present, let alone one as pretty as this one, so he did not know what the standard procedure was for what his response should be. Should he open it slowly to show his understanding for the time and effort that was put into wrapping it? Or should he open it quickly to show his enthusiasm? In the end, Goro opened it in a pace somewhere in between, making sure to comment on how delicately wrapped the gift was (which made the tips of Tamura’s ears turn red).

 

Inside the wrapping paper lay a leather bound journal with his initials monogrammed on the front.

 

“This is…” Goro began but he couldn’t find the words to finish as he was holding back tears that were threatening to spill over.

 

“I know It’s nothing much, but I was at one of those stationary stores when I saw it and it reminded me of you. I got your initials on it too, ‘cause the store was offering it so I thought ‘why not’ and got it done.”

 

“No, it’s a really thoughtful gift. Thank you Tamura-san, I, I’ll be sure to use it.”

 

“I’m glad you like it,” she said, her smile reaching up to the corner of her eyes.

 

Goro felt a swell in his heart and he wondered if this was what it was like having friends, or rather, having someone that cared about him. He was happy, undeniably so, which made him smile back to Tamura with a genuine smile.

 

He noticed that something had caught Tamura’s attention as she was no longer looking at Goro but looking slightly above him.

 

_Breaking News: Politician Masayoshi Shido has been caught in the middle of a developing scandal, stay with us as we continue to report on the details._

The TVs that hung on the side and back walls of the diner had been all turned to the local news channel. Everyone in the diner had stopped what they were doing and focused their attention towards the news.

 

 Goro’s stomach dropped at the sight of Shido’s face on the screen. He hadn’t ever met his father but there he was on the LCD screen a mere ten feet away from him. It made him sick, so much so that he was about to get out of the booth when Tamura’s voice interrupted him.

 

“Mayasoshi Shido getting into a scandal… He’s like the last person I would expect to get caught up in that type of thing. Guess you really can’t trust politicians after all, huh?” Tamura’s tone was nonchalant, her thumb and pointer finger enclosed around her straw, stirring it in circles in her drink.

 

When Goro didn’t respond, Tamura reached out to touch his hand but he jerked it back the second she came into contact with him.

 

“Hey, are you ok Akechi-san? You look a little pale.”

 

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine I just need to, uh, get up for a second. I’ll be right back,” he said, his body running on autopilot as he pushed his way through the crowded diner to get to the restrooms in the back.

 

Thankfully the restroom was practically empty as Goro took the opportunity to splash cold water onto his face. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were tired, but that was to be expected. His skin was paler than usual, it looked like he had seen a ghost. His hands were slightly trembling as he reached to turn the faucet off.

 

Taking a deep breath, he counted to ten in his head before exhaling. He needed to calm down. He had just seen his father, someone who he only knew by name, for the first time in sixteen years. Mayasoshi Shido. The name left a bitter, disgusting taste in his mouth. He couldn’t bear to be in the diner any longer especially with all the TVs changed to the news station with his face plastered all over them. Mere moments ago he was finally genuinely happy and then of course no other than Shido had to come in and ruin his fleeting moment of happiness. Shido had taken away everything from his mother to the point where she took her own life. Now he was continuing to destroy any sense of normalcy Goro had in his life. It was of course all a coincidence but such a beautifully timed coincidence. His moment of happiness utterly crushed into nothingness by Shido’s unintentional involvement.

 

Goro counted to twenty in his head. Then to thirty.

 

It took all his willpower to push open the door to the restroom and head back to the booth where he saw Tamura waiting for him, concern sprawled across her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(:3」∠)_ sorry I have intense writer's block now that I'm done with the fall semester. Updates will be more sporadic and sometimes spaced apart. 
> 
> Poem is Soiled Sorrow by Chuuya Nakahara. 
> 
> Happy New Year friends hope you liked this chapter. pls let me know if you enjoyed it ;-;
> 
> \--
> 
> So, Chuuya huh? I really did end up researching his life for a few days and in the end I didn't even use half the things I read about him. I thought he and Goro kinda paralleled each other but as opposites. I don't know how my brain process works but it made perfect sense in my head. We're almost out of this extremely long prologue thanks for sticking around, I swear it wasn't supposed to be this long it just kinda...happened. I like writing Goro's back story ...
> 
> See you in my next chapter update whenever that will be :3


	7. Petunias

Exiting the restroom, Goro noticed that the TVs in the diner still were turned to the news channel that was broadcasting coverage of Shido’s scandal. Goro blocked out the faint sound of the news reporter going over for the millionth time the same basic facts about the scandal, occasionally stopping to give some sort of meaningless commentary on it. The first time he was ever seeing his father was on a TV screen in a diner and it was because his father was involved in a scandal.

 

Amazing how life works.

 

As he made his way back to the booth, he saw that Tamura had noticed him walking over and raised her hand, gesturing for him to come sit down.

 

“Are you sure you’re ok, you still seem a little pale,” she began but this time he noticed that she had held back on initiating any physical contact with him. He felt bad for jerking his hand away earlier because she was a sweet girl and it was obvious she didn’t mean any harm. However, Goro was so out of it he treaded on the thin line between stability and a breakdown. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s had a breakdown, coupled with reoccurring nightmares and no parental figures whatsoever, it was rather common for him to cry himself to sleep most nights.

 

What was uncommon though was him feeling a torrent of negative, self-hate inducing emotions in _public_ and to that he was utterly embarrassed. He couldn’t just tell Tamura, ‘ _Sorry I ran off earlier I just got triggered by seeing the man who abandoned me and my mother which eventually led to her suicide on the TV behind us oh by the way did I mention this was the first time I’ve ever seen him in my entire life?’_ That sort of admission did not tide over well with most people.

 

“Actually, Tamura-san, I’m feeling rather sick after all. I have to apologize but I’m afraid I’ll be leaving earlier than expected,” Goro said, putting on his most convincing sick voice. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t actually sick, however he wasn’t about to explain the details of his mental state to his classmate. It was easier to pass it off as a physical aliment; it was something that she could understand.

 

Getting a cold or the flu were physical illnesses that were universally understood. If he had mentioned that he felt a cold coming on, she would respond with sincerity in her voice about the home remedies that she knew would for a fact lessen the duration of it. If he mentioned he had the flu, she would respond with sympathy and tell him to get lots of rest. But if he had mentioned he was on the verge of a breakdown and needed some time to compose himself, how would she respond? Would she pity him? Would her eyes hold the pity that’s reserved for when you come across a stray kitten out in the rain? Or would she nod and pretend that she cared, perhaps throwing in the classic ‘ _I’m here if you ever need to talk_ ’ line? Goro didn’t want to find out, he wasn’t about being pitied. They could keep their sympathy and faux concern to themselves.

 

He stood up from the booth, about to leave when Tamura once again interrupted him. It seemed that as long as he was with her, he isn’t able to leave without her somehow forcing her way back into the picture. _It’s funny how she’s the only one who’s ever wanted to extend her stay with him_ , Goro thought. He feels his energy reserves drying up, his limit for social interaction today is almost at capacity, but he decides that he can humor her with what he knows is the inevitable request to walk back together

 

“Would you mind if I…w-walked you to the train? We’re going the same direction after all so…” Tamura reverted back to her unsure shy self. Goro felt bad. He felt really bad about how he had acted and he cursed Shido again in his head for ruining his evening. If anyone didn’t deserve to be treated this way, it was Tamura.

 

“Sure, I’d like that,” he said and together they made their way to the nearest train station. Tamura kept her distance from Goro, making sure not to accidentally brush up against him. He noticed how tense she was being and while he appreciated her not invading his personal space, he also did not want her to feel this uncomfortable around him. She was the type of girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, the type to shut everyone out the second she felt uncomfortable. In a way, they were similar and perhaps if they met under different circumstances, they might have even been friends.

 

They said their goodbyes at the entrance to the train station, Tamura thanking him again for helping her earlier and Goro thanking her for the gift. As he watched her leave, he felt something rub against the back of his calf. He already knew what it was without having looked down to confirm it. Of course the cat was here.

 

Meowing, the cat continued to circle around his legs until Goro audibly sighed and bent down to pet its head. The white cat purred against his gentle touch.

 

The cat detached himself from Goro rather sharply, leaving Goro at a weird bent over angle. He silently prayed that where the cat was taking him wouldn’t take long.

 

It was a short walk down the street adjacent to the train station when the cat finally stopped in its tracks and meowed to signal Goro’s attention. At first, Goro didn’t understand what the cat was trying to show him however he quickly realized that he stood in front of an electronics store with several TVs displayed in the window, all turned to the news. As if on cue, the news program came back on and Shido’s face was plastered all over it.

 

“Why are you showing me this?” Goro asked. The cat stared up at him with his golden eyes that seemed to be filled with annoyance. Whatever message the cat was trying to convey to him, it was not getting through. The cat meowed, placing his paw on the window of the store to get Goro to pay attention.

 

On the screen, the bottom text read:

 

_Masayoshi Shido has been allegedly accused of bribery by fellow politician, Nakagawa Fumihiro. The claims have recently surfaced as Masayoshi Shido expressed interest in running for Prime Minister in a recent interview. When asked for commentary, Nakagawa Fumihiro released a statement that allegedly claims Masayoshi Shido paid off several ministers of the Diet in order to garner support for his future campaign. This story is still developing—_

 

The cat’s string of obnoxious meows snapped Goro out of the trance he was in reading the text on the screen.

 

“Did you just bring me here to tell me my estranged _father_ is a horrible person because I already knew that,” Goro spat. He was thankfully no one else was on the street besides him otherwise he would have a hard time explaining why he was currently arguing with a cat.

 

If the cat could roll his eyes, he would be rolling his eyes right now. Honestly, Goro was getting annoyed with the entire situation. All he wanted to do was collapse on his bed and maybe cry a bit. He was not in the mood to decipher cryptic messages from a cat that somehow understood human language.

 

In all fairness, Goro was exhausted both physically and mentally. Mental exhaustion was a common occurrence that Goro dealt with on a regular basis. However, he could feel himself breaking piece by piece the longer he stood in front of the electronic storefront’s window. _It had been a while since I had a full blown breakdown_ , Goro thought, _guess today’s my lucky day._ The reoccurring portrait of his father plastered on the TV screens chipped away at whatever was left of Goro’s sanity.

 

Goro had been in a daze again, not noticing the cat had walked off half a block until he heard the dreaded string of meows that signaled him to jog down the block until he caught up with the furry guide.

 

The two walked in silence even though every fiber of Goro’s being screamed for him to turn around, to go home, to ignore the cat, and to forget about today.

 

He had lost track of time after the first twenty minutes of walking, having chosen to distract himself by scanning his eyes around his surroundings and taking in every miniscule detail of the neighborhoods they walked past. It was calming in a way, having his mind blank, vacant of the usual torrent of self-deprecating thoughts that plagued his head, that controlled his entire being.

 

_The florist down the street has a special on bouquets: a dozen roses, half off. The bakery next door to the bridal boutique is offering wedding cakes at a discount to whoever purchases a dress from boutique. The pavement outside the locally owned convenient store has cracks in the concrete. There are four large cracks that break off into two sections each. A “For Rent” sign coats the exterior of what used to be a textile shop._

 

Before Goro even realizes it, his feet stop moving. Subconsciously he had noticed that the cat had stopped walking and he followed in suit. Looking up at the building in front of him, he saw that he was standing outside of the Diet.

 

“The…Diet building?” he questioned out loud, briefly forgetting about his furry companion.

 

A sharp meow was all the response that he got. Of course the cat couldn’t explain why he was brought here which meant that Goro would have to figure it out for himself. It took him less than thirty seconds for it to all click.

 

“You can’t be serious—“

 

“Meow.”

 

“But, how would I, I don’t even know how or _what_ a ‘persona’ is!”  
  
“Meow, meow. Meow.”

 

“You want me to figure it out, huh? And besides! It’s not like he would believe me if I told him anyway, I don’t even believe it myself.”

 

“Meow.”

 

“Although this could be an advantage, something that I have over him. He is in the middle of a scandal that could destroy his career if proven true, but I might have the power to change that which means he would be in my debt…”

 

“Meow!” The cat gave him the closest it could manage to a smile and sprinted away.

 

So that’s why he was here. To confront Shido. If Goro was a sane, well adjusted person then he would have gone home. He most definitely would not have casually strolled into the Diet building with a maddening smirk on his face and asked the security guard at the front desk in his sweetest, politest voice if there was any chance he could speak to politician Masayoshi Shido. Any sane person would have left after the security guard had said he was not taking any visitors, but Goro was not sane. He was far from sane. He batted his eyelashes and leaned into the hard marble counter and lied through his teeth about it being for a school project. Flustered with how close Goro was to his proximity, the security guard turned his head and opened the security dividers that led to the elevators.

 

“He’s on the second floor, room 217A, kid. Don’t bother him too much or it’ll cost me my job, got it?” The security guard said, eyes avoiding Goro’s.

 

“Thank you very much,” Goro replied, making sure to wink at the guard as he was walking away. He could hear the security guard mumble profanities under his breath.

The elevator ride to the second floor was short. Goro wondered if he should have taken the stairs instead. Upon exiting the elevator, he was met with an array of doors and hallways leading into different sections of the floor. The floor plan layout was not made with visitors in mind. He had to find the room Shido was in before he was found out.

 

Thankfully, the rooms were labeled clear enough for Goro to find 217A. He checked his watch, 7:34 PM. Shido could have left for the day for all Goro knew. It was a risk barging into his office unannounced at the Diet of all places.

 

His hands started to shake, all the faux confidence he had built up was starting to slip. The realization hit him with an unprecedented weight. He hadn’t thought of what he was going to say to Shido let alone how he was going to react to seeing him in person. The mental toll that the confrontation with Shido was something that he was just going to have to deal with later. He couldn’t risk Shido finding out that he was his son. He swallowed the emotions that threatened to spill over, hand still trembling with a sense of anxiousness he had never felt before, and knocked on the closed door.

 

“Come in,” a voice rang out. The man that voice belonged to was on the other side of the door. He was unaware of the inner turmoil that he put Goro and his mother through. He was unaware of how many nights Goro cried wishing that someone, anyone, would dull the pain that he felt in his heart. For someone who prided themselves on hiding their emotions, Goro was having a hard time controlling his.

 

Nevertheless, even with his trembling hand turning the brass doorknob and his upper body shaking with uneasiness, he let himself into the office. If fate were real, if our lives were somehow predetermined by the gods, a god, a higher being, then perhaps Goro stepping into the office of his estranged father was fate. Perhaps it was inevitable that he would end up staring the man who abandoned him and his mother in the eyes, biting back the tears that were threatening to burst, the sobs that lingered in the back of his throat, and the emptiness that turned into bitter loneliness which engulfed his entire being.

 

Perhaps it was all a cruel joke.

 

“Who are you?” Shido spat, his hands still preoccupied with the myriad paperwork that littered his desk.

 

“Who I am isn’t of importance right now. I have something that can help you,” Goro began. It was hard putting on a convincing act of persuasiveness when all you wanted to do was cry and scream until the other understood how much they had hurt you.

 

“And that would be?”

 

“You’re in the middle of a scandal, am I right? It could destroy your entire career if the allegations were to be proven true.”

“Spit it out kid, I don’t have all night.”

 

“I have a persona.”

 

The room fell silent.

 

“You have a…what?” Shido questioned. At this point Goro was losing his composure, his legs shifting weight between them as he stared straight ahead at Shido, eyes never once faltering.

 

“A persona.”

 

Shido laughed. Goro immediately was taken aback as this was literally the last response he was expecting.

 

“I guess God had really answered my prayers,” he said under his breath. He straightened the pile of paperwork on his desk and then pulled out a business card from one of the drawers. He gestured for Goro to come over to his desk and then handed him the card.

 

“Come to this address tomorrow evening. It’s my main headquarters. Looks like you’ll be coming in handy after all, be proud of yourself kid. Not every day a walking weapon falls right into your lap.”

 

“I…Ok. I will be there tomorrow Masayoshi-san.”

 

“Shido is fine. What’s your name, kid?”

 

“Akechi Goro.”

 

“Right then, I expect you there tomorrow. Don’t be late and _do not_ keep me waiting.”

 

“Very well, Shido-san.” Goro replied. His nervousness was masked with his polite tone.

 

“Good boy, you learn quick. Tomorrow will be interesting,” Shido said smirking.

 

Goro turned to exit the office and tried his best not to smile at the praise he received from Shido. He wanted to destroy him. He wanted to enact his revenge not only for himself but for his mother. He wanted to humiliate Shido, make him suffer worse than what Goro had to suffer through. He hated Shido, he hated everything about him. Then why did he get a ping of happiness in his chest when Shido praised him? Why did he feel proud when Shido complimented him? Why did he bask in the praise? Why wasn’t he disgusted, why didn’t he scowl at the pet name? Why?

 

He stepped into the elevator not even noticing how his checks were wet with hot, streaming tears. He felt ashamed of himself. He had betrayed his goal, he had betrayed himself, and worst of all he had betrayed his mother. He knew he wasn’t strong but to be broken down by praise from the man he had sworn revenge on was another level of pathetic. All Goro was, was pathetic. Praise from someone that vile should not have had an effect on Goro yet he was on the brink of a breakdown from how much it tugged at his heart. How much it reminded him that he never had a father, never had someone tell him that they needed him, never had a parental figure praise him.

 

The short elevator ride came to an end and Goro wiped away his tears though they would not cease to flow. He kept his head down, his eyes fixated on the ground as he walked through the automatic dividers. The security guard commented on how beaten down he looked, attributing it to him being rejected for the school project he need Shido for.

 

“Sorry kid, not everyone is gonna give you the time of day, don’t beat yourself up over it” the security guard said, his tone sympathetic though laced with amusement. Adults were scum even when they attempted to be genuine.

 

Goro nodded and made his way out of the building, not caring about how he looked to the world right now. He did not know where to being processing what had happened nor did he even want to start.

 

It was too much. It was all too much.

 

That night, in the safety of his bed, Goro cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(:3」∠)_ happy new year !
> 
> we are getting somewhere finally mayhaps I will end this prologue soon and get into the actual story? 
> 
>  
> 
> goro's a struggling boy I didn't want him to meet with shido and be like "keikaku doori" because idk it doesn't feel realistic? he becomes keikaku doori later but for now he's not. I imagine no one who's had the life goro had up until this point would be mentally stable, but that's just my characterization of him. also known as: projecting. god this fic is me projecting but it's ok, keikaku doori and all that stuff. 
> 
> anyway friends thank you for reading and thank you for following this fic. it means a lot to me to know that people are reading my writing :3 _(:3」∠)_ _(:3」∠)_ _(:3」∠)_


	8. Aconite

The next morning came and Goro wished that he could have forgotten about yesterday’s events. Being up most of the night tossing and turning was not how Goro wanted to spend the very few hours he had allotted to sleep. Sleepless nights were the result of nightmares and anxiety that plagued him, never seeming to stop despite the tranquil like darkness that surrounded him.

He wanted to sleep the entire day. Daytime naps did not carry the weight of the night; often it was the only way he could sleep undisturbed by whatever reoccurring troubles that clouded his mind. If he were living by himself, he would have probably never left his bed. In a roundabout way, staying at the child care institution did him some good.

Left to his own devices, it was unimaginable to predict how deep Goro would have sunk. Having a reason to get up in the morning, even if that reason was as plain as not wanting to be to scolded by the staff, gave him a purpose. A life without a purpose, without motivation, without reason for existing was not what Goro wanted.

Staring at the white ceiling of the bedroom, he let his mind cycle through the same repetitive thoughts. He often thought about his mother and if she had those same thoughts, those same feelings as him. Did she also feel worthless? Was his own existence _as her son_ not enough to bring meaning into her life, not enough to get her to want to continue living even if it was for his own selfish sake? Was there any point to him being alive if his own mother did not want him? He supposed he now had his father, Shido, in the picture thought it was through a stroke of luck that can perhaps only be attributed to fate. Goro didn’t believe in destiny or fate but if there was anything that could possibly convenience him otherwise, it was the fact that he managed to somehow be of use to Shido.

 

He sighed and closed his eyes. The sound of slight snoring around him reminded him that he was not alone in his own apartment with his mother but instead in an overcrowded and underfunded institution.

 

Staying in bed had its appeal, though the true comfort of the bed was that it didn’t judge him. It didn’t care if he sobbed into his pillow and it certainly wouldn’t be able to tell anyone about it either. The bed held his secrets but also his worries, his anxieties, and his fears. 

 

It was hot today, sickeningly so, but the thin blanket on his bed had an air of a different kind of warmth. Skipping school was something he never did but given his track record of straight-A student, it wouldn’t be hard to get out of going to class today. He could say he was sick. And they would believe it too. Goro didn’t make a habit out of lying; it was something he despised, the thought of lying made his skin crawl. Adults lied.

 

Goro rolled over to see the alarm clock display 6:35 AM. He had to get up not to miss the communal breakfast. The blinds were closed but small spots of sunlight shined through the cracks. The light irritated him; if he were living on his own he would have had thick curtains on top of the blinds to ensure that not even the faintest amount of sunlight would seep through. It never got truly dark in the city; nighttime just meant that the sun was replaced by the moon. Streetlights and flashing neon signs illuminated the streets and back roads of the area near the institution. There was comfort to be had in pitch black darkness, not knowing where your body ended and where the darkness began meant that he could be free from chains bound his body.

 

The realization of what date it was today suddenly hit him. It was Thursday which meant that even if he wanted to skip class, he couldn’t due to his literature exam. He let out a groan, his head hitting the back of his pillow, his hand dragging the thin blanket over his head in a single motion. Maybe he could disappear if he tried hard enough. Or maybe he could suffocate under his blanket. His limbs felt like bricks, cemented in place in the bed he lay in. A jarring pain spread across the front of his head, his eyelids felt heavy with sleep and exhaustion. Five more minutes and a staff member would be knocking on the room that he shared with a few other _unwanted children_ reminding them to get up for breakfast. Goro didn’t make a habit out of remembering the names of the others in the institution. There was no point in bonding with those that were temporary in his life.

 

\--

 

Trains tended to be crowded in the mornings despite how earlier, or in this case, how late it was. Goro’s sluggish start in the morning resulted in him barely catching the last train he could without being deemed as late. If he ran straight from the train station to his class, he would make it just in time before the late bell rang. However, currently he stood pressed up against the train doors, nose a few centimeters away from being pressed into the glass window on the train door. The air conditioner in the train couldn’t keep up with the amount of people crammed into it which meant that every exhaled breath added to the rising temperature of the train cart. His own breath fogged up the glass in front of him. Uncomfortable was an understatement. The lack of sleep, the exhaustion – both mental and physical –, the pounding headache that seemed to only get worse by the ever increasing humidity, it was a lot to handle at once. Goro silently wished for a time where he wouldn’t have to deal with half the train’s passengers pressing up against him when the train made a sharp turn, which often caused him to lose his balance, the only saving grace being that he didn’t fall but that because _there was no room to fall._ Outside the window, the sun had already risen, another sign that he was on the late train. Nevertheless, the blinding reflection of the sun’s rays were still prominent on the river that stretched through the city. Unmoving water carried the all-too-bright sun spots along its length. The grass on the riverbank was still. Of course there wasn’t a single breeze to combat the heat. It seemed that no matter how unbearably hot the train was, outside was much worse.

 

\--

 

It was somewhat of a shock to Goro’s classmates to see him appear disheveled and a few seconds before the late bell. There were a few stares but otherwise no one else seemed to give any extended attention towards his direction. No one except for Tamura Kanon, who kept glancing over to his side of the room. It wouldn’t have been as noticeable as it were had her ginger locks not stood out among the sea of dark hair. Goro wasn’t used to having friends, if he could even call Tamura that, as it was so much easier for him to be alone. Being alone meant that he didn’t have to think about anyone besides himself, didn’t have to worry about another person, didn’t have to feign interest in the other person. Most of all, being alone meant no one else would have to think of him either. Isolation went both ways. Social isolation under the guise of him being too serious about his studies to make friends was deemed normal, admirable even. As long as he was in good academic standing, there was no reason for anyone to be concerned about him.

 

The day went on as usual. The literature exam that Tamura was so worried about ended up being easier than he had expected. After the bell had rang signifying that class was over for the day, Goro half expected Tamura to be at his side, talking about the exam. To his surprise and maybe to his slight disappointment, she had packed up her books and exited the classroom without a single glance to his general direction. _Maybe she had given up in her pursuit or maybe she just had other things going on_ , Goro thought. Either way, he didn’t have time to dwell on what was going on with her nor did he have time to chase after her and find out. If things had been different, maybe he would have. But for now he focused his attention onto the business card that Shido had given him the day before. The address of the skyscraper written neatly on the front underneath Shido’s name. Shido had not told him a specific time to arrive but he figured that it was better to show up early than to waste time until the evening too nervous to do anything productive.

 

Taking the train after school was only slightly better than taking it during the morning rush hour. While it was still overcrowded, at least he managed to get seat this time. It was times like this when he wished he had a phone so that he could distract himself with something. Also, he felt out of place given almost everyone on the train were engulfed in their devices. It didn’t take long for him to reach his stop and to his pleasant surprise, the building was only a short distance from the train station. It was situated in an area of Tokyo he wasn’t very familiar with but he did take note that it wasn’t too far from where he used to live.

 

The address took him to a skyscraper that didn’t seem out of place in the midst of the busy city. It had to be the tallest building Goro had ever walked into which made him a bit uncomfortable with how out of place he looked wearing his school uniform. He had enough time to go and change into something else but because of his anxiety he ended up just going straight there after school. It was nerve wracking even looking at it from the outside; the building was all glass and had to be about fifty or sixty floors. There were two revolving doors in the middle and on both sides were regular doors. It was daunting to look at, even picking which door to walk in through seemed like an impossible task. Logically it made sense for there to be several doors to a building this large, but still, it made Goro anxious standing outside the all glass structure, unsure of which door to walk in through. He already stuck out for being a high schooler and on top of that he was still in his uniform, the absolute last thing he wanted to do was embarrass himself by making a mistake.

 

Deciding that it was better to draw as little attention to himself as possible, Goro walked over to the regular door situated on the side. He was about to open the door, his hand already on the handle, when he noticed that it was blocked off on the inside with a sign on metal stand that read, “ _Please Use The Revolving Doors_ ”. His hand shot back down as if the handle was made out of fire. It almost burned to the touch. He frantically looked around to see if anyone had seen him. To anyone else it would appear as if it were a trivial thing to get worked up over, however to Goro it he felt the weight of everything he did tenfold. His overthinking never seemed to stop; his actions dictated by meticulous planning.

 

Goro turned on his heel towards the revolving doors, already feeling the back of his neck grow hot, his hands unnecessarily clammy. He rubbed them against the side of his pants, attempting to wipe away the excess sweat when he realized that being conscious of how damp his hands were made the sweating _increase_. He held out his hands in front of him, observing how red they had turned, observing how they radiated moisture. Anxiety would be the death of him.

 

He should have paid more attention to wear he was walking because in a split second he was colliding headfirst with a middle aged business man, resulting in his belongings scattered along the pavement. Confidential files spilled out of several vanilla folders. A coffee cup lay flat against the concrete, contents inside empty, instead now forming a small puddle in cracks of the concrete. Goro himself lay haphazardly half on top of the disgruntled man. Fear mixed with shock plastered Goro’s face, his eyes unsure of what to focus on in the scene in front of him.

 

 “I’m so sorry sir, I,-“ Goro began, his body not keeping up with how desperately panicked his voice sounded.

 

“Get off of me you fucking brat,” the man yelled, pushing Goro off, causing his back to hit the ground with a thud. The man got up, adjusting his suit, and picked up the scattered papers. He looked down as he stood over Goro who was laying on the ground, still frozen in fear, eyes sporadically looking for some sort of escape route.

 

“You’re lucky I have a meeting to get to or else I would have pressed charges,” he spat and then walked into the building, through the revolving doors.

 

Goro blinked. His arms shook as he tried balance himself off of the ground, slowly getting up. It was only when he regained his composure did he notice there was a business card on the ground near him. The man had forgotten to pick it up and considering he was already gone, Goro bent down to retrieve it.

 

Looking over it in his hand, he noticed it was printed on a thick, textured paper. It was clearly expensive and whoever it belonged to no doubt had some sort of importance to them.

 

It was only when Goro actually read the contents of it did he feel his heart stop.

 

The name on the business card unmistakably read, _Nakagawa Fumihiro._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(:3」∠)_ sorry this chapter is slightly shorter. I wanted to get something out and this was all I could manage ;_; 
> 
> I have Big Plans for this fic it's just hard for me to write sometimes.
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter :3


	9. Anemone

 

Relief in the form of cool air hit Goro’s skin the moment he stepped into the building. However, it did not do much to calm his nerves. Everything that could have possibly went wrong, went wrong.

 

He tried not to dwell on it too much as he took in his surroundings. The lobby was sleek; glass and metallic finishes coupled with tasteful bursts of marble made up the décor. In the center, as per usual, the front desk was located. This time it had a few attendants present wearing clean, sharp black suits. In front of them, a grey granite countertop raised unnecessarily high sat. The desk itself was rather high and as Goro approached it, he noticed the countertop hit the middle of his chest.

 

Clearing his throat, Goro tried to get the attention of who he assumed was the nicest attendant out of the bunch. It fell on deaf ears.

 

“E-Excuse me,” he began, voice wavering. He was unsure of what to say given how he didn’t really know how these conversations went about. Was he just supposed to say the person he was here to see or did he need to fill out a visitor’s pass?

 

“Hello, how may I help you?” the attendant with the short brown hair asked. She seemed friendly, which made Goro relax a little.

 

“I’m, uh, here to see Masayoshi Shido…-san” He hated how his nervousness came across in his demeanor.

 

“Certainly. May I see some ID please?”

 

Goro took out his student ID card, handing it to the attendant. Embarrassment spread throughout him as the attendant looked over the card then began typing on the computer in front of her. She picked up the phone near it, dialed a number, and waited for a response. He could see the slight annoyance in her face; her downwards expression was all the confirmation he needed to know this wasn’t the first time she had dealt with this. A few seconds later, she placed the phone back into the receiver with more force than was necessary, sighing.

 

“Masayoshi-san is unable to be reached at the moment, however I was informed he was expecting a visitor this evening. He is most likely still in the building, though he might have stepped out of his office. Akechi-san, if you would like you may wait for him in his office until he gets back,” the woman explained.

 

Unknowing what to say and untrusting of his ability to speak, he nodded. The woman gave a hum of acknowledgement and went back to typing. He must have been spacing out again because she had placed a small sheet of paper onto the countertop and was waiting for him to pick it up.

“Thank you,” Goro said, observing the paper in front of him.

 

“That’s your temporary ID for the building. You have to scan it at the glass turnstiles behind me to get to the elevators. He’s on the 23rd floor. It’s the first door on the right once you get out of the elevator area.”

 

Goro thanked her again and made his way over to the elevators. There were six elevators with three elevators on each side. The elevators to his right went up to the first thirty floors, the ones to his left went up from thirty-one to fifty-two. It was the first time he had ever seen elevators split up based on floors though he supposed if a building had fifty-two floors, it would take forever to go from the first floor to the last floor, especially if it were to stop at every floor in between.

 

He was not alone in waiting for the elevator in the lobby area. A few other men dressed in suits, staring intently at their phones in one hand while drinking bitter coffee with their other hand made up the waiting area. Once again the feeling of being out of place hit him. The others hardly acknowledged his existence, too busy physically glued to their smartphones. Goro didn’t blame them; they probably had a lot of work to get done. It was a demanding job to be working at such a place.

 

Inside the elevator was all glass, including the ceiling which Goro uncomfortably found out when he looked up. There was a small screen above the keypad that displayed the current weather and company news. Most of the building belonged to a large financial credit rating corporation, however, the remaining floors were rented out to small companies and really anyone who wanted them.

 

Next to him in the elevator was a man who could not have been older than twenty-five carrying a folder filled with paperwork. He looked like the personification of exhaustion. Dark circles and bags were present under his eyes, his right eye twitched sporadically. If Goro had to guess, the lack of sleep and the copious amount of coffee were to blame for the man’s appearance. He smelled of cologne mixed with cigarettes, a nauseating combination that left Goro’s stomach churning. The man ran his free hand through his hair attempting to fix it. _He must have been outside smoking_ , Goro concluded.

 

Goro wondered if that man was happy. By the looks of it, he had a decent position at one of the companies in this building given how he was dressed in rather expensive clothes. The silver, diamond encrusted watch on his wrist had to be worth at least two hundred thousand yen.

 

He looked expensive and probably made a lot more money than Goro has ever seen in his life, but he seemed unhappy. Of course, Goro couldn’t tell for certain having only spent a minute next to him in an elevator but for some reason, Goro just _knew_ that man was miserable. _I guess only people as equally miserable as you can really tell,_ Goro thought to himself. Despite everything else, the man carried an air of attractiveness that made heat pool at the bottom of his stomach. He’d never paid too much thought to his own sexuality, _but come on_ , Goro had eyes. He could see the faintest hints of muscle peak through the fitted white dress shirt when the man had raised his arm to brush through his disheveled hair. To be honest, he wasn’t going to deny himself the pleasure of discreetly checking the man out; he’d been through a lot in his life, he could allow himself some small luxuries. It slightly concerned Goro how quick his brain went from depressive thoughts to well, lewd ones. Mental illness and hormones did not mix well.

 

Goro mindlessly ran the tip of his tongue along his top lip. His lips were chapped. The wetness added to the discomfort by bringing forth the pain of his dry, cracked lips. Before he could get carried away with his thoughts, the elevator stopped.

 

 _“This is the twenty-third floor,”_ the elevator announced from the speaker situated underneath the display monitor.

 

\--

 

                           

He stood in front of the door wishing he could burn the silver nameplate with the etched words: _Masayoshi Shido_. Behind it, he was certain his father was sitting at his desk engrossed in whatever shady, disgusting thing politicians did.

 

He hadn’t dared to knock yet; it was still early. However, he could hear distant voices coming from inside the office.

 

Shido was not alone.

 

Goro did a quick overlook of the hallway. It was empty. He positioned himself closer to the door, letting his ear press up against it. The second voice in the room was a few octaves higher than Shido’s.

 

A surge of unexplainable anger shot through Goro. It wasn’t like him to get angry, given how he void of emotion he was, but the torrent of unexplainable emotion engulfed his body. Whoever was with Shido on the other side of the door probably was an employee, a secretary of sorts. Goro didn’t fully understand what Shido did in this building though he imagined someone like him needed a secretary.

 

He held his breath for a few seconds, attempting to calm his rapid heart beat.

 

He knocked on the door. He exhaled, counting his breathing pattern. Thirty seconds had passed and there had been no movement towards the door. He knocked again, this time with more force than before, yet there was no answer, no acknowledgement of his presence outside the office door. Goro knew Shido was inside, he had heard him earlier, which made him angry that he was being deliberately ignored. Couldn’t his secretary or whoever that woman was open the door? What was so important that neither could utter a response?

The handle turned easily in Goro’s hand, the door had been unlocked the entire time.

 

“I apologize for intruding—“ he began as he opened the door. The sight that was in front of him was enough for him to want to slam the door shut and run. He wanted to get out. Goro felt his throat tighten yet there wasn’t anything around it. He couldn’t breathe, his body in shock, his legs trembling but unable to move.

 

On the desk in front of him sat Shido and _on top_ of Shido sat a woman with her top half bare, her ebony hair fell in loose curls, masquerading a portion of her back.

 

They hadn’t noticed him, too engrossed in each other to hear the door open, to hear him call out an apology for entering. The floor beneath Goro’s feet grabbed on to him, not letting him turn around, not letting him leave, but instead forcing him to stare at his father doing…doing _that_ with a woman (and if it bothered him that his father was with a woman other than his mother well, he would never admit it out loud. He didn’t even know if he had a right to be upset).

 

The woman in question moaned loudly and from Goro’s position he could see her move her hips up and down in a rhythmic fashion. He was half in the office, fingers still gripped the metal handle, eyes wide at the crude scene. He wanted to cry or laugh or scream or make some kind of reaction, some kind of sound to let them know he was there and that he wanted them to stop. It would be childish to throw a tantrum but it was getting harder with each passing second to suppress the desire to scream.

 

His entire world was crashing down, going up in flames along with any hope he had of, whatever this arrangement with Shido was, working out. If he walked out right now, he wouldn’t go back. Working with Shido would be as good as a pipe dream at that point. Leaving meant throwing away everything he had worked for but staying meant throwing away his dignity, dousing gasoline on it, and lighting a match. Staying meant swallowing his pride and the humiliation that went with it.

 

The woman whimpered, exaggeration heavy in her voice. Somehow he _knew_ she was faking it, putting on a show for Shido, letting herself get lost in her performance, but never forgetting why. She was similar to Goro in that way. He felt a momentary surge of understanding but it was cut short by another one of her sickly-sweet moans.

 

He hadn’t been standing there for more than thirty seconds, though that was in and of itself too much time. His eyes darkened for a moment when he realized how calculated his next move had to be.

 

He raised his free hand to cover his eyes and blurted out in a well-rehearsed but frantic voice, “I’m sorry for the intrusion, I’ll be taking my leave!” He looked ready to close the door, but he wasn’t making an effort to actually leave.

 

“Wait!”

 

_Bingo._

“I shouldn’t have barged in like that, I am deeply sorry, please--“ Goro’s hand was still covering his eyes and it took all his power not to smirk.

 

Shido wanted an obedient dog and playing the arrogant type character would be counterproductive. Besides, no one expects a trained dog to bite.

 

“I said wait. Come over here, we had a meeting scheduled, didn’t we?” Shido asked.

 

“W-What, we’re in the middle of something and you’re just gonna let this brat interrupt us?” The question came out as a purr, her mouth moved to kiss Shido on the side of his cheek. A sharp hand came in contact with her face causing her to lose her balance and make contact with the floor.

 

“Don’t act like you have any say in this, you cheap whore,” Shido spat. The woman was clutching her face, body bent in a fetal position, and the faintest of sobs escaped her mouth.

 

“Get out before I call security.”

 

The woman scrambled to her feet, grabbing her discarded top to cover herself with, and left towards the door without saying anything. As she exited the office, she brushed passed Goro just close enough for him to notice the nauseating scent of sex mixed with expensive perfume.

 

“Now then, come over here before I change my mind.”

 

Goro nodded and walked over to where Shido was seated at his desk. He almost forgot why he was there, _almost_.

 

“Tell me what you know about personas,” Shido said. He had taken out an overflowing manila folder and opened it. From Goro’s angle, he could tell they were most likely research files but he couldn’t get a good look at what exactly the research was on.

 

“I don’t know much about them aside from the one I have,” Goro replied. He was treading a thin line between telling the truth and omitting information.

 

“Don’t lie to me, brat. How did you get it in the first place?”

 

\--

 

It had taken a little less than an hour for Goro to tell Shido everything, of course omitting the parts about the Velvet Room and the cat. It was a watered down version of the events but nonetheless, Shido didn’t seem to catch on that he was leaving out important details.

 

“I heard about what happened to Matsuki through an acquaintance. I used to visit his club often, glad that fucker’s dead ‘cause no amount of money would have kept him quiet during the election season,” Shido said.

 

Goro blinked, letting himself settle into the shock. _Shido knew Matsuki_ , he thought, _I helped him by accident_.

 

“Ah, well, then it’s fortunate he’s gone—“

 

“You did unexpectedly well for an amateur. With a bit of training you’ll make an excellent hitman.”

 

“Thank you, sir.” Goro felt that burning feeling in his chest again. He longed for praise but this kind of praise was conflicting. No amount of emotional detachment could make him forget who Shido was to him.

 

Shido looked through the folder in front of him until he settled on what appeared to be a ten-page research document. A report of some sorts.

 

“I take it you don’t know much about personas and there isn’t much information on them either. There is a researcher who is currently devoting herself to uncovering more about the cognitive world but nothing is conclusive yet,” he began, “That being said, I have some of the more recent work in this report in front of me.”

 

“The cognitive world?” Goro asked. _The cognitive world must have been where I killed Matsuki,_ he thought.

 

“The world is like ours but different. Things you do there affect our world here. You killed Matsuki in the cognitive world which led to him dying in the real world. The beauty of it is that the murder can’t be traced back and you can’t prove the existence of such a world without people thinking you’re completely insane,” Shido explained.

 

“But how do you get there, the first time I had no idea what was even going on, I— “

 

“One way is via a phone app.”

 

“A…phone app?”

 

“You have a phone, right?” Shido asked.

 

Goro flushed, his eyes downcast. Shido didn’t know he was an orphan who lived at an institution and had almost nothing to his name. Given his school uniform was from a prestigious high school, it was only natural to assume he had at the very least a cell phone.

 

“A-Actually, I don’t own a phone,” Goro said. His voice was meek.

 

“Alright, well, once we get you a phone you can start your first mission.”

 

Goro nodded. It was weird having Shido buy him a phone, it felt _fatherly_. It made him happy in a fucked up way where he knew on an intellectual level he shouldn’t be _happy_ about it but he couldn’t help but feel some sort of satisfaction, even if it was wrong.

                                                                                                                                                                    

“Listen up, your first target is Nakagawa Fumihiro. The news reported that he plans on exposing me for bribing Diet members. If the report he’s working on gets released, my reputation is over. I have spent years crafting myself to be the ideal candidate to run for prime minister and I will not let him ruin it. That’s where you come in. You have a persona, eliminating him without evidence should be no problem for you, right?”

 

There was a hint of smugness in his voice, as if he knew he had Goro cornered. There wasn’t much Goro could do as far as the offer went; declining it wasn’t an option, although that also didn’t mean that he had to accept anything Shido said without question. At least he could negotiate the terms, assuming there were even terms to be had.  

 

“Very well. I am able to do that, however, what’s in it for me?” he asked.

 

Shido glared at him, eyes narrowed. He folded his hands on the desk in front of him.

 

The cold air from the A/C unit did nothing to subdue the heat radiating off of Goro’s body. The room was still except for the distant mechanical mutter from the A/C unit.  

                                                                                                                                                                     

“And why should I do that?”

 

 _Because I’m the only one who has a persona and can help you,_ Goro thought. He bit his tongue. Snapping at Shido would be counterproductive; he had to be calm about this. It was infuriating that he was being tested.

 

“It would be far more beneficial for your public image if the resolution to the case became even bigger than the initial scandal. If you provide me with a platform to do so, I can spin the story to make you even more favorable with potential voters,” Goro explained.

 

Shido raised an eyebrow and gestured for Goro to continue. His expression remained neutral but his body leaned forward as if not to miss anything that was being said.

 

“So, uh, well…” Goro did not expect to get this far at all. He was taken aback by Shido not dismissing him and actually wanting to hear what he had to say on the matter.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Shido was still staring at him, waiting to hear his idea.

 

Goro took a deep breath and continued.

 

“If you want me to just get rid of Nakagawa, I can do that but then the public opinion would be that you paid someone off to kill him in the midst of the scandal, which you did. However, if you were to say, launch an investigation of your own on Nakagawa then you could plant evidence that would show that his initial exposé piece was nothing but a falsified report written due to a personal grudge.”

 

“And who would be in charge of that investigation?” Shido asked.

 

“That would be me, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(:3」∠)_ Sorry I haven't updated in a month, I started class again and I am: a stressed out college student.
> 
> This is a Valentine's Day update that I pushed myself to get out even though where I am Valentine's Day ends in less than an hour. If you didn't have a valentine this year, you are now my valentine :) Thank you to every single one of you that has read my fic and continued to follow it throughout the months.
> 
> So in terms of the fic we are getting somewhere!! Where are we going?? I don't know (ok I do but not by that much, I really didn't intend to drag out this prologue that much but now we are here and we just gotta roll with it).
> 
> Updates should be more regular now that I have adjusted to my new class schedule :3 Thank you for reading!


	10. Aquilegia (resolved to win) I

The time Goro had spent in Shido’s office going over the logistics of the proposal had spilled well into the evening.

 

The two had discussed the possibility of Goro being admitted into the police force as a new hire, a detective protégé so to speak. Falsifying documents wasn’t an issue and given how well Goro did in his prestigious school, it would be easy to convince the higher-ups that he had the adequate training required to be brought on as a member of the police force and to lead an investigation of his own. Goro had planned on joining the detective division of the police force anyway. It was his original goal in order to get enough money to leave the childcare institution. Everything that had occurred up to this point felt like a dream. He could not grip the surreal, dream-like situation at hand.

 

The sun had long set and the large windows situated behind Shido’s desk started to display the downtown nightlife in motion. The scene felt familiar to Goro, often the only time he would see his mother was when she was slipping into the futon next to him in the early hours of the morning, moon still out but the darkness that surrounded it was subdued. Despite being quite high up in the building, the stars did not shine through the black of the night. Streetlights and neon signs illuminated the district. There was a time where Goro had seen the stars in the night sky but looking back on it, he could hardly remember what they looked like.

 

Like the white foam that would form from the waves crashing into the jaded rocks on the shore of a distant yet near sea, Goro felt temporary. For even the foam would dissolve back into the vast nothingness of the ocean. For even the unwanted child finding his place, his purpose, his reason for living was laughable as temporary meant that he would soon too dissolve into the vast nothingness. Just like the stars in the night sky that no one sees and the waves that are forgotten once collided with the shore.

 

They had been going about the details of the proposal for hours, though granted, there was a lot to be said regarding how it would phase out. Both knew that this would not be a one-off thing, they would be working together from here on out.

 

The yellow-hued artificial light from the ceiling only exemplified how late it was getting. Goro did not remember when the light was turned on, had it even been turned on manually or if it was just automatically turned on passed a certain time in the evening. Honestly, most of today did not seem real. He briefly wondered what happened to the woman from earlier, if she had gone home afterwards. He wondered if that was how his mother was treated, used and then thrown away the second it became inconvenient.

He was slouching in the chair that was opposite Shido’s, paperwork scattered on his side of the desk. What all of it meant escaped him; he was not familiar enough with legal jargon. In cases like these, Goro would be made hyper aware of his age. Of course he did not know legal jargon, _he was a high school student_. Most high school students, even those interested in law like he was, would not be able to understand the intricacies of legal contracts much less be expected to sign and comply with them.  

 

Goro picked up one of the documents in front of him, scanning it over as Shido went on about the details of incriminating evidence that they could use.

 

He felt eyelids grow heavy with sleep but he dared not to let it show too much on his face; he wanted Shido to see him as a capable future employee, not as a high school student who got burned out when work dragged on into the evening. He was mentally dreading the ride back to the institution, he would undoubtedly get scolded for coming back late.

 

“Shido-san, I apologize for my rudeness but I have to leave soon. I can’t stay the night,” Goro began. It wasn’t uncommon for people, well, adults to stay well into the night during these sort of meetings and Goro’s inability to stay only exemplified the gap between where he wanted to be and where he was in terms of age and responsibility.

 

“Where do you live? I’ll arrange for a taxi if the trains are an issue.” Shido turned over the papers in his hand. There was a hint of annoyance that laced his voice, brows furrowing in frustration. Of course Shido would rather not deal with a child like him, he was the one who threw him away after all.  

 

Goro felt the sudden urge to bolt out of the room. Admitting he lived in a child care institution was something that he would have liked to avoid revealing.

 

“The trains aren’t the issue, it’s not that far from here…” he trailed off. He hands were balled into fists and placed firmly on his lap. There was no way he could get out of this now without making himself seem even more incompetent and childish. Personas be damned if he couldn’t even get Shido to see him as trustworthy enough to employ.

 

“What’s the problem then? Call your parents and tell them you’re going to be late,” Shido spat.

 

“I don’t live with my parents; I live in a child care institution. I also don’t have a phone so I can’t contact the staff,” Goro explained. His words were rushed out in as if the quicker he got them out the quicker he would forget that they were a reflection of his reality. He hated thinking about everything that set him apart from “normal” teenagers. There was not an ounce of normality left in his life. He was bracing himself for Shido to yell at him or to throw some sort of fit but the outburst of anger never came. Instead, Shido pulled out his phone and dialed a number. The conversation was audible to Goro but he could not process the words. The entire room was spinning, his head felt clouded.

 

Finally, after a few minutes, Shido hung up and faced Goro.

 

“Starting tomorrow you’ll be living in an apartment by here. Consider it an advance for your first assignment. I’ll be sending over a new phone to your place tomorrow too, since you need it for the mission.”

 

All Goro could do was stare at Shido and blink back the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes. Shido did all of that for him. Shido got him an apartment. Shido got him out the living hell that was the child care institution. But Shido abandoned him and his mom. Shido drove his mother to suicide. Shido was the reason he was in the child care institution. It would be easy to paint Shido as a monster but the world is not as black and white as Goro would like it to be. Shido was a monster but a monster is not incapable of kindness, even as unintentional as it may be. No one succumbs to being wholly good or wholly evil, everyone is on a spectrum of grey.

 

“Thank you, I don’t know what to say.” Goro rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, getting it wet from the tears. Shido’s expression did not soften, but he could see there was a hint of pity in his eyes. Whether or not that was directed at Goro was uncertain. He was not sure if Shido was capable of empathy for his actions were not out of understanding but out of convenience. It was more convenient for him if Goro lived in a place where he could leave freely. He knew that eventually once he stopped being useful to Shido, he would get thrown away too. It would definitely not be the first time he was thrown away by Shido and of course, it would not be the last.

 

Which was exactly why he had to be the one to act first.

 

“Write down your address and I’ll have my staff do the paperwork required to discharge you from the institution. The police department is going to want to meet with you later this week for the investigation. Go home now and tomorrow be ready to move into the new apartment,” Shido said.

Shido seemed to get more agitated as he continued speaking. This was a costly investment after all with no certainty of a reward. However, if it panned out accordingly then he had an absolute advantage over everyone else.

Goro nodded and wrote down where he was currently staying on a piece of paper. Satisfied, Shido took it and slipped it into one of the folders on the desk.

 

Goro left the office more confused and overwhelmed than he had ever been in his life. The conflicting emotions were hard to handle. Exhaustion got the best of him and he decided that he would just shut off his brain this one evening, let him deal with all of it tomorrow.

\--

The train platform was not as empty as he thought it would be this time of night. Then again, he had heard of salarymen taking the last train back so he really should not have expected anything else. The air was somber and lifeless bodies crowded around him, eagerly waiting to get on the next train.  

It felt comforting to be around people who did not knew who he was, did not care who he was. No one knew he was a bastard child tossed away by both his parents and society. All they saw was a high school student in his uniform, perhaps out a little too late at night, waiting for the train to arrive.

His presence was barely noticeable. The train arrived. Goro stepped into the cart in the midst of the mob of overworked salarymen.

He’d be back in the institution in under an hour. This was the last night he would spend there.

 

He couldn’t wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(:3」∠)_ Hello this is going to be part one of three (four?) parts that will end the prologue finally thank you god we have made it to almost the end of the /prologue/. As for why this is a short update, since this is a multi-part chapter, instead of posting it 3 months from now I was just gonna post it in increments whenever I was finished. 
> 
> I started writing this fic partly out of anger because someone I knew irl said they didn't like Goro so I was determined to write something to prove them wrong and partly out of depression and longing to write in general. It means a lot to me that people are reading this :') sorry for the long note at the end I just didn't think anyone would even read this fic let alone like it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the update.


	11. Aquilegia (resolved to win) II

The institution was a short walk from the train station. However, since Goro was late anyway he decided to take the back roads to it instead of the streamlined main road path. The back roads were not as well lit as the main road; streetlights were placed in vast intervals, not nearly sufficient enough to be considered bright or lively.

 

They were the somber counterpart to the bustling main road; the quiet, more subdued, counterpart. The back alleys would not see people after sunset, no one ventured far off the main road once darkness overcame the city. It was just common sense, self preservation in a way. Nothing good happened in barely lit back roads behind questionable businesses.

 

He made a left turn off of the street in front of the train station, not caring that the route he chose would add an extra fifteen minutes to his commute. He need to clear his head. He needed to think. The area the institution was set in was not by any means a bad one, it was still in Tokyo after all, but of course it was more towards the outskirts of the city. His commute to school was always time-consuming due to it. Regardless of whether he would admit it out loud or not, he knew deep down that parts of him would miss the institution despite not having stayed there for long. It was close to the red light district where his mother used to work, where he used to live. Nostalgia mixed with bitterness encompassed Goro. He had succeeded in the one thing his mother failed at: being useful to Shido. He wasn’t sure how to feel about this, conflicting emotions were too much to deal with for him. He had not only found Shido but became of use to him, two things his mother spent most of his childhood trying to do.

 

It wasn’t that cold, but for some reason, when the wind blew past him, he shivered.  

 

\--

 

The next morning arrived and Goro had almost forgot that he would be leaving today. Saying goodbye to the other people in the institution felt impersonal; it wasn’t as if he were actually friends with anyone there. He wouldn’t know what to say either. _Sorry I get to leave and you have to be stuck in this hellhole,_ while although it was honest, was also not something he’d say to them just out of respect for their situation.

 

Though he wasn’t the type to get close to others, he was not ignorant of the circumstances that led to some of the kids ending up there. Perhaps they were they only people who would ever understand him, truly understand, but he’d wasted the opportunity to ever confirm that when he shut himself away, isolating himself.

 

The time he spent in that institution had been a calculated effort to avoid getting close to others. He could not be certain that this institution would be his final one, and thus he took the necessary precautions to not befriend anyone. Maybe his life would have been different had he had befriended those kids that were like him, found camaraderie among their shared sorrow, or even extended his hand to the scared newcomers whose cries at night only reminded him of himself as a child.

 

Goro carried on his morning routine like usual, though the only difference was he wouldn’t be returning here once the day was over. Shido had told him that his personal staff would take care of everything and that all he had to do was show up to the apartment after school. It felt weird relying on his _father_ , if he could even consider Shido that. This is what normal dads did for their sons, right? But it felt wrong when Goro was the only one looking at it from a father-son perspective; Shido didn’t know that Goro was his kid, and if he would have known, would he have done all of it? It disturbed Goro that he was even remotely happy about it.

 

All of it was so fucked up and yet Goro felt happy he was getting noticed by Shido. He’d agreed to be a _hitman_. However, he was out of the institution and about to be richer than he had ever been in his life. When put in the position of wanting his father’s approval coupled with revenge for being abandoned by him, what choice did he have? Sure he could never have brought it up, never sought out Shido, never agreed to help him. But when bestowed a persona by whatever deity was out there, it was like his fate had already been predetermined. His path set in stone, unchanging the moment he was granted a divine power. His freewill could be all but an illusion but none of it mattered to Goro who knew that by going down this path had the highest chance of attaining his revenge against Shido. Even if Goro would be branded a sinner and banished to hell, as long as he was dragging down Shido with him then it would have all been worth it. He no longer saw in himself any chance of normality, instead all he saw was a dangerous road he’d have to pave with his iniquities.

He’d given up his humanity the first time he called upon Loki, setting aside his morals to commit murder. The worst part of it all was the lack of remorse he felt and his desire to continue carrying out heinous crimes for a motive that others would pin as “pathetic.” For it was probably in his nature that he felt no fear of death, having witnessed it as an early age, and instead felt indifferent to it. _No one is born a murderer but once you become one, that’s all you’ll ever be,_ the words rang clear in his head.

The weight of the deed hanged heavy on Goro’s subconscious but only as a reminder that it could have been him instead. _Kill or be killed_. Those who search for a third option, those who believe one exists, are those who live life upholding ideals that Goro could not even fathom.

 

It was becoming clear that he could not return to the everyday normality he once had. Redemption seemed laughable, the act itself was for petty crimes such as lying or stealing, not murder. It was true that no matter what Goro did going onwards would ever make up for the fact he had, without hesitation, killed a man and agreed to do it again.

 

Disregarding his inner turmoil, Goro packed up everything he would need for school and made his way towards the main exit. He felt something tug his shirt and when he looked down he say a little girl, no older than eight, staring up at him with eyes too full of innocence for a place like this.

 

“ _Onii-chan_ , can you help me with my times table when you come back?” She had asked.

“Sure, if I’m not too busy I’ll help you when I get back,” he replied absentmindedly.

 

The little girl, whose name Goro did not remember, smiled back at him and shouted a thank you as she ran off. It had been too late to retract his statement without going into an explanation of why he wouldn’t be coming back. He told himself he lied to her for her sake. She was better off not knowing.

 

He did not feel remorse for lying to her when he closed the door and stepped outside. He did not feel remorse when he got on the too crowded train. He only felt something when he sat down in class and noticed the little girl reminded him of Tamura.

 

The late bell had rung, the teacher walked into the room, and all Goro could think of was the broken promise he made out of his own selfish desire to avoid confronting the truth.

 

\--

 

The rest of the day went by in a haze. A dream-like haze that Goro was certain he would wake up from.

 

\--

 

The new apartment was about half the distance to his school compared to the child care institution. The train ride was considerably shorter as well.

 

Walking out of the train station, Goro stared at the address scribbled down on the piece of paper in his hand. He had haphazardly written vague directions underneath it on how to get to the building from the train station. It was only about a five-minute walk but for the life of him, he could not decipher what he had written. This was also the first time he had gone to this part of town. He had no business being in a somewhat rather upscale area, well, until now that is.

 

\--

 

Somehow Goro managed to find the building. It had not been easy to find as he could not believe that the tallest apartment building, made entirely out of glass panels, was his. He triple-checked the address, not trusting that he was at the right place. Surely this had been some sort of mistake. Shido was rich but was he really _this_ rich?

 

The man at the front desk assured him that the address was correct and after filling out a few documents, Goro was handed the key to his apartment.

 

According to the man, the apartment was not fully furnished and there would be people coming by tomorrow to bring the rest of his things.

 

\--

Stepping into the apartment, Goro noticed how bare it was. He had been warned of this but it was still a shock to see nothing but four walls and a floor. The apartment was a one bedroom but it was in an expensive building and had floor to ceiling windows with a view that overlooked the shopping district. The location was great, five minutes away from the train station, and, of course, the building itself was breathtakingly beautiful.  

 

There was no reason for Goro to be anything but happy.

 

There was no reason for the tears that started to stream down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna keep it real with you guys, I am going through some health issues that involve a lot of testing and doctor visits. On top of that, I'm trying (keyword: trying) to graduate on time next year. 
> 
> The P5 anime comes out tomorrow and I was determined to get this chapter out before then.
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope to see you in the next chapter.


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